Have updated the entire transript, with all the help from persiflage_1, to whom I owe a big THANK. Now it should be much better.

 

CABIN PRESSURE
Series 2, Episode 6: Limerick 

(Bing-Bong)

DOUGLAS: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, we're now about half way through our flight from Hong Kong to Limerick. And I just thought I'd let you know that I am bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored! We're, unbelievably, still flying over Russia, which continues to be stupidly big, really enormous, far bigger than necessary. We've been in the air now for about a week. It doesn't look like we'll be landing until the last syllable of recorded time. So if anyone on board knows any card tricks, ghost stories or would like to have some sex, please do make your way to the flight deck. Thank you.

MARTIN: Err, ladies and gentlemen, I do…I do profoundly apologize for my first officer and his badly misjudged attempt at humour. I do hope you weren't distressed by his outburst. And, and let me just say, in his defence, that up here in the flight deck it is unbelievably bor-ring!

DOUGLAS: So boring!

MARTIN: So very, very, very, boring!

DOUGLAS & MARTIN: Bored!

(Opening credits -This week: Limerick)

MARTIN: Why does Tipperary always get the blame for it being a long way to? It's an even longer way to Limerick.

DOUGLAS: Only by about that 30 miles.

MARTIN: Don't suppose they sing about it much there then.

DOUGLAS: What? Where?

MARTIN: It's a long way to Tipperary. In Limerick, well they probably have their own version. It's a short way to Tipperary. I'm just popping up there now actually. Can I get you anything?

DOUGLAS: They're certainly both a hell of long way from Hong Kong.

MARTIN: That's true. And all just for this (patting at a box). And you'd think they could pop it in the post, wouldn't you?

DOUGLAS: Well, it's time sensitive of course. And the chap was telling me it's more valuable ounce for ounce than gold. Rhymes for flight (game).

MARTIN: Bite, Fight, Night, Right.

DOUGLAS: Ah, yes, here's one. (over intercom) Ladies and gentlemen, we're just flying over Gloucestershire now. You may be able to make out a town below, though it's quite hard to identify through the cloud cover. Or as they say, in Limerick. We hope you're enjoying the flight. On your left, we're just coming in sight of Swindon or Stroud, all covered in cloud. And it's much the same thing on the right.

MARTIN: Davina McCall

DOUGLAS: Yes, fair enough. You can have that.

ARTHUR: Hi, chaps. Nice one, Douglas. Just to settle an argument though.

CAROLYN: It's not an argument. It's you being wrong.

ARTHUR: Just settling me being wrong. Are we really over Swindon and Stroud?

DOUGLAS: No, Arthur, not for hours yet.

CAROLYN: Told you, clot.

DOUGLAS: Wishful thinking, I'm afraid. And I felt Swindon and Stroud might be easier to rhyme than Krasnoar meysk and Vyshny Volochyok.

ARTHUR: Oh, right. “Myshny Molomyok”, “Gyshny Gologyok”, “Chyshny Cholochyok”. Yes, see what you mean, “Vyshny VoloVyok” (rhyme game).

DOUGLAS: Yes, maybe we could leave you to go through the rest of the alphabet off the intercom?

ARTHUR: Ok. Oh, before I go though, what's the time?

MARTIN: Where's your watch?

ARTHUR: It's broken. I was trying to find out the difference between splashproof and waterproof.

MARTIN: Well, Arthur, the time is just…… coming up to 9:16, now.

DOUGLAS: Yes, or to be a little bit more precise, 6:33.

MARTIN: No, it isn't.

DOUGLAS: Yes, it is.

MARTIN: No it - Damn, it's done it again.

DOUGLAS: You see, Arthur, you and Martin have something in common.

ARTHUR: Brilliant!

DOUGLAS: It's that both of your watches are broken.

MARTIN: No, it isn't. It's just bedding in.

CAROLYN: Arthur, it's an intercom, not a chat line. You're supposed to be putting the dinner on.

MARTIN: It's just because you can't bear to admit that I picked up a genuine Patek Philippe for almost nothing.

DOUGLAS: In Hong Kong.

MARTIN: Look, I'm not stupid. I realizes most of the watches in shops like that are fakes. That's why I went for this one. This… this was the one he didn't want to show me.

DOUGLAS: Oh, yes?

MARTIN: Yes, you see. At first he got out his standard tourist trap tray of ROOLEXs and OBEGAs (fakes) . I just said to him, “Look, I'm not a tourist. I'm an airline pilot.”

DOUGLAS: You should've told him you were a captain.

MARTIN: I did actually.

DOUGLAS: Imagine my surprise.

MARTIN: No, but I was too clever for him. I spotted this one right at the back of high shelf. He said, “Oh, I was hoping you would not see that.”

DOUGLAS: Oh, did he? Gosh, so just clarify for me, why did he have it in his shop?

MARTIN: What?

CAROLYN: Evening, drivers. Oh.. isn't that a lovely sunset?

DOUGLAS & MARTIN (simultaneously): No, it's not!

CAROLYN: Oh, all right. Now, Douglas, give me a Bing-Bong.

DOUGLAS: Oh, but Carolyn, this is all so sudden.

CAROLYN: Oh, hoho, funny pilot, Bing-Bong, please. (over intercom) Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has now illuminated the seat belt sign, so please ensure your hand baggage and duty-free are safely stowed, your tray tables are folded away and your seat is returned to the upright position. Or as they say, in Limerick. The captain has turned on the signs, so stow away bags of all kinds. Then make sure your tray is folded away and your seat back no longer reclines.

DOUGLAS: Yes. Do I take it as you're bored back there as we're up here?

CAROLYN: Well, honestly, 14 hours with the broken DVD player, no passengers to tease, and the ever present fear that I'll weaken and let Arthur play charades.

MARTIN: No!

DOUGLAS: You must be strong. That might well make the boredom level's actually fatal.

CAROLYN: I know. Well, haven't you two got a game going or something?

MARTIN: Just started one actually. Agatha Christie.

DOUGLAS: Yes, true. Russell Crowe.

MARTIN: Good one.

CAROLYN: What is it?

MARTIN: It's people who aren't evil but have evil-sounding names. Like Russel Crowe.

CAROLYN: What's wrong with Russell Crowe?

MARTIN: Russell Crowe! (in evil's voice)

DOUGLAS: Russell Crowe! (in evil's voice)

CAROLYN: No, no, no, no…Russell Crowe, here to save the day.

DOUGLAS: Mark me well. Soon you'll rue the day you dared to cross Russell Crowe!

CAROLYN: All right, then yes.

MARTIN: So far Douglas has got him, and I got Agfa Christie and Davina McCall.

CAROLYN: Because obviously it has to be a competition.

DOUGLAS: Of course. It's who can get most in half an hour ending at seven as measured by Martin's watch, which adds a pleasingly random element.

MARTIN: No, it doesn't.

CAROLYN: Evelyn Waugh.

ARTHUR: Coffee, chaps. Wow, brilliant sunset!

MARTIN: No, it isn't

DOUGLAS (simultaneously as Martin): No, it's not.

ARTHUR: Oh, okay, rubbish sunset.

MARTIN: Arthur, “M”.

ARTHUR: What? Oh! Mountain, Moccasin, Magma.

CAROLYN: What's this now?

DOUGLAS: Arthur's trying to learn the phonetic alphabet. He favors the spot-check method of revision and none of the above Arthur, no.

ARTHUR: Err, Molecule, Mongoose, Mosquito

MARTIN: Shorter.

ARTHUR: Mosque!

CAROLYN: It's a name.

ARTHUR: Macnamara, Mitchison, Moon.

DOUGLAS: A first name.

ARTHUR: Martin, Maggie, Milly, Molly, Mandy, Matthew, Michael.

CAROLYN: Nearly, shorter.

ARTHUR: Micky, Mick, Mi, Mo!

MARTIN: No, Arthur, the phonetic alphabet version of letter M is not “Mo”. It's Mike.

ARTHUR: I was close then.

MARTIN: In comparison to Molecule, Milly, Molly, Mandy…yes.

ARTHUR: Brilliant! Anyway, like I say, coffee?

CAROLYN: Careful! Don't put it on that.

ARTHUR: Sorry, sorry, why? What's that?

CAROLYN: That is the cargo, the whole reason we are here.

ARTHUR: Wow! That, that box, that's all? What's in it?

DOUGLAS: Guess.

ARTHUR: Oh, great!

CAROLYN: This could take a while…

DOUGLAS: If there's one thing we've got, it's a while. Go on, Arthur, 20 questions.

ARTHUR: Yes, brilliant. 20 questions. Or, charades?

OTHERS: No!

ARTHUR: But I've got… I really got a good one. Oh, all right. Is it a diamond?

MARTIN: No, 19.

ARTHUR: Is it a ruby?

MARTIN: No, 18.

DOUGLAS: You might want to start with more general questions, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Ok, animal, vegetable or mineral?

MARTIN: Animal, 17.

ARTHUR: Right. Is it bigger than a sheep?

CAROLYN: Look at the size of the box…

ARTHUR: Oh, yeah, is it bigger than the box?

DOUGLAS: Is it bigger than the box it's in…No, it's not. 15.

ARTHUR: Is it alive?

DOUGLAS: Ah, interesting. Debatable. 14.

MARTIN: Really, debatable?

DOUGLAS: Wouldn't you say?

MARTIN: Oh, yeah, I suppose so, yes.

ARTHUR: Is it valuable?

CAROLYN: No, of course not! The client just chartered a plane and two pilots to fly a packet of crisps half around the world. Arthur, you remember when I told you to put the dinner on?

ARTHUR: Yeah…

CAROLYN: Did you in fact do that?

ARTHUR: No, no… now I think about it. I got mixed up and made coffee.

CAROLYN: Yeah, perhaps. Then perhaps you could have another crack-at-it now.

ARTHUR: Right-o, what are we having?

CAROLYN: Admiral's pie.

ARTHUR: Ok, is that the same as the Fisherman's pie?

CAROLYN: No, it's not. The Admiral and Fisherman favor, entirely different pies.

ARTHUR: Right so, how long does it get in the micro?

CAROLYN: 3 minutes, 1 minute, 3 minutes.

ARTHUR: Ok!

DOUGLAS: I don't know when I've looked forward to a meal more.

CAROLYN: Is it me or is the sun not getting any lower?

DOUGLAS: No, it's not just you.

MARTIN: Because we're flying west into a sunset near the Arctic circle.

DOUGLAS: Every time it just dips behind the horizon. ATC makes us climb a thousand feet and up it pops again like God's own fiery yo-yo.

ARTHUR: Sorry, Mum, did you say 1 minute, 3 minutes, 1 minute?

CAROLYN: Oh, for goodness sake, no, of course not. What cooks for 1 minute and stands for 3? It's 3, 1, 3!

ARTHUR: Oh, right. Ok, actually I think that's easy to remember – because I'll just think of 4-3-3 squadron and only remember to swap the first two numbers and take 3 off the middle one.

CAROLYN: Arthur, are you insane? That's the stupidest way to remember anything I've ever heard.

MARTIN: Also it's not 4-3-3 squadron. It's 6-3-3 squadron.

ARTHUR: Oh, yeah, thanks, Skipper. So first I've got to add 2 to the first squadron I think it is, to get the real squadron, and then swap…..

CAROLYN: No, don't do any of that. Just remember it. Just use your brain and remember the three numbers.

ARTHUR: Yes, sorry. 3, 3…..

MARTIN: So, how's Helena?

DOUGLAS: What do you mean? What are you getting at?

MARTIN: I'm asking after the health of your wife.

DOUGLAS: Oh yes, as a preparation for a crack about her thinking – what she thinks.

MARTIN: No, as a way finding out how she is.

DOUGLAS: She's fine.

MARTIN: Good. Why are you suddenly so…

DOUGLAS: I'm not suddenly anything. Anyway, how's your…

MARTIN: My what?

DOUGLAS: I don't know. There must be someone by now. No?

MARTIN: No, still no.

DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin! You're a young single airline captain. How difficult can it be?

MARTIN: Really, really difficult.

DOUGLAS: Well what about cabin crew?

MARTIN: Hmm, well, for two very different reasons, I'm afraid neither Arthur nor Carolyn quite float my boat.

DOUGLAS: Not our cabin crew. Everybody else's. All those gorgeous stewardesses down route.

MARTIN: Actually I think the whole “Hostie's easy” thing is a bit of sexist male fantasy.

DOUGLAS: No, it's not.

MARTIN: Oh, right, you pull stewardesses all the time then, do you?

DOUGLAS: Certainly not. I'm a happily married man.

MARTIN: Yes, right, but you have done.

DOUGLAS: More than you can possibly imagine.

MARTIN: Well, that's not true for a start. I can imagine a thousand stewardesses.

ARTHUR: Err, chaps, two quick things.

DOUGLAS: “J”.

ARTHUR: Oh! Justin, Jeffery, Jilly, Jenny, Georgina.

MARTIN: It's one half of a famous pair of lovers.

ARTHUR: June!

DOUGLAS: If you can imagine such a thing, a pair of lovers even more famous than Terry and June.

MARTIN: Romeo and…

ARTHUR: Jumeo! Juleo! Juliet!

MARTIN: Yes!

ARTHUR: I got that quite quickly, didn't I?

DOUGLAS: Quite quickly?!

ARTHUR: Yeah. Now, yeah, two things. First, Douglas, what was that place again?

DOUGLAS: What place?

ARTHUR: The one we were over. The one you said I couldn't rhyme…

DOUGLAS: Oh, err, Vshnny Volochyok.

ARTHUR: Yeah, well, I thought, what if, you had a musical instrument, right? And you wanted to make sure there weren't any sea-creatures on it.

DOUGLAS: Yes?

ARTHUR: You do a fish-free oboe check.

DOUGLAS: Yes…Not bad. Not good though.

ARTHUR: Is it human?

MARTIN: What?

ARTHUR: The thing in the box? Is it human, like part of the body?

MARTIN: Oh, no, 12.

ARTHUR: All right. So it's animal, not human, valuable, smaller than the box it's in, and may or may not be alive.

DOUGLAS: Like Schrodinger's Cat.

ARTHUR: Is it Schrodinger's Cat?

MARTIN: No! 11.

ARTHUR: Is it an animal?

MARTIN: No, 10.

ARTHUR: a plant?

MARTIN: No, 9.

ARTHUR: But it might be alive?

MARTIN: Yes… 8.

ARTHUR: Is it magic?

CAROLYN: Arthur, why is there a half cooked Admiral's pie congealing in the microwave?

ARTHUR: Oh, I forgot about it. It was just having its little rest in the middle, because otherwise it goes bubbly at the edges, and you'll have to…

CAROLYN: Yes. Thank you. Heston Blumenthal! Just sort it out.

DOUGLAS: Heston Blumenthal.

CAROLYN: Yes, you know the chef.

DOUGLAS: Yes, I know. I meant, Heston Blumenthal (in evil's voice).

MARTIN: Oh! Yes, of course. Damn.

CAROLYN: But that was mine.

DOUGLAS: Finders, keepers.

CAROLYN: Ah…All right. Calista Flockhart.

MARTIN: Yes, very good.

DOUGLAS: No, no, I don't think so.

CAROLYN: What do you mean? Tremble, puny mortals, for I'm she who is known as Calista Flockhart (in scary tones).

DOUGLAS: Well you can do any name in the voice. But there's nothing wrong with it. It's…Well, Calista is from the Latin for beautiful. And Flockhart, what could be nicer than the flock of hearts?

CAROLYN: Calista's suggesting callouses and blisters, Flock's suggesting flog, pluck and pick. Calista Flockhart, the calloused and blistered one who comes to flog and pluck your heart.

DOUGLAS: Nonsense.

MARTIN: Just because she reminds you of one of your old girlfriends.

DOUGLAS: Well, not so much reminds me of.

MARTIN: I don't believe it.

DOUGLAS: Speaking of which, Martin, have you though about Internet dating?

MARTIN: Douglas!

DOUGLAS: What? There's no stigma to it these days?

MARTIN: Douglas! Carolyn's here.

DOUGLAS: Oh, we're all friends here. You should try it.

MARTIN: Well…I had looked at a site once. But you have to go on all about your hobbies and outside interests then, and…you know.

DOUGLAS: Yes, not your strong suit.

MARTIN: Anyway, I don't want all the weight of expectations. I just want to find a nice natural low stakes way to meet people.

CAROLYN: I find walking the dog works rather well. Oh, hello! I've finally found the flight deck mute button, have I? Any particular reason it should be so surprising that I might be interested in meeting someone too?

MARTIN: No, not at all.

DOUGLAS: No, of course not.

CAROLYN: As I say, I can wholly recommend having a dog around. Anyone with a dog is allowed to talk to anyone else with a dog. It's like a secret loophole for allowing the English to talk to strangers. What I don't so much recommend is having your 29-year-old son living at home with you. It's a big house of course. He has his own part of it. But even so, a house containing Arthur is very difficult to mistake for an empty house. Yeah, none of this is any business of yours, miserable underlings.

DOUGLAS: No, it was wrong of us to ask.

CAROLYN: Yes! Well, things to do (slams the door).

DOUGLAS: Well…

MARTIN: Arthur, “F”.

ARTHUR: Oh, Fox.

DOUGLAS: Nearly.

ARTHUR: Foxes.

MARTIN: Fox something? Fox what?

ARTHUR: Foxwhat? Foxhat, Foxhead, Foxclock, Foxface, Foxbox.

MARTIN: No, not foxbox! It's a type of dance.

ARTHUR: Tango!

MARTIN: No, the phonetic alphabet for F is not Tango.

DOUGLAS: Foxtrot.

ARTHUR: Oh… I nearly said that. I got the fox-bit.

MARTIN: Well done!

ARTHUR: Anyway, I just popped in to ask, is it manmade?

MARTIN: What?

ARTHUR: The thing in the box, is it made by a man?

MARTIN: Oh, no.

ARTHUR: Is it made by an animal?

MARTIN: You see, that's really a stupid question that you just happened to have got lucky with – yes.

ARTHUR: Brilliant! How many have I got left?

MARTIN: Don't know, about 10?

ARTHUR: Ok. Is it made by bees?

MARTIN: No, 9.

ARTHUR: Worms?

MARTIN: No, 8.

ARTHUR: Dogs?

MARTIN: No, 7.

ARTHUR: Tigers?

MARTIN: No, 6. Are you sure this is the line of questioning you want to pursue?

ARTHUR: Yes. Bears?

MARTIN: No, 5.

ARTHUR: Horses?

MARTIN: No.

DOUGLAS: Err, Martin…

MARTIN: Oh, yes. It is made by horses.

ARTHUR: Brilliant. Now then, what do horses make?

CAROLYN: Arthur, pie!

MARTIN: Douglas, look! At last the sun's almost gone again.

DOUGLAS: Oh, yes, there it goes. Come on, you big red sod set, damn you!

MARTIN: There it goes. Come on…Come on…

DOUGLAS: Tell you what, descending 50 feet. And, Gone!

MARTIN: That's better. Oh…Isn't it lovely dark?

DOUGLAS: Hmm, the sun has taken his hat off. Hip, hip, hip, hurray!

MARTIN: Taken off his hat at last and gone a bloody way. Shall I put the lights on?

DOUGLAS: No, let's keep the flight deck dark for a while, like a fighter plane.

MARTIN: Yeah!

DOUGLAS: You know for what it's worth, I think you should give one of those dating sites a go. You can always make up a hobby.

MARTIN: Yeah, but… even if I did meet someone, where would I take them? They'd expect an airline captain to be able to wine and dine them. And I'm always broke, because…well, you know why.

DOUGLAS: You don't have to tell them you're an airline captain. Err, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. Does Carolyn really not pay you anything?

MARTIN: No, nothing.

DOUGLAS: So how do you get by?

MARTIN: I have another job, that I fit in around the trips.

DOUGLAS: Yes?

MARTIN: (sighs) I am a man.

DOUGLAS: Yes, all right. Martin, you're not in an Arthur Miller play.

MARTIN: Let me finish. I am a man with a van.

DOUGLAS: Ah!

MARTIN: People call me up and I go around in my van and move their stuff for them.

DOUGLAS: I see. Where did you get a van?

MARTIN: My dad died. He left me his van.

DOUGLAS: That's nice. Isn't it?

MARTIN: Well, he didn't leave me any money. I mean, I didn't want his money, but he didn't leave me any. Simon and Caitlin got five grand each, but I didn't. Suppose because he thought I'd spend it on trying to become a pilot – waste it on trying to become a pilot, because I had spent thousands by then. So instead, he left me his van, and his tool kits, and his sodding multimeter. I mean, he did even leave a note in the glove compartment saying “ For god's sake, son, give it up and become an electrician.” But he might as well have done. And then four months after he died, I got my first job as a pilot. I mean it was rubbish job, but four months! And then I got this job, and I was a captain, but not making money. I went back to the van. That's why I don't have any hobbies. My job is humping boxes into my dad's old van. That's what I'm paid to do. This, this is my hobby. And it's not your fault, but it doesn't help that I sit next to you, with your perfect life, your happy marriage, your salary, and…Well, frankly any figures at all, it doesn't help.

DOUGLAS: Not a perfect life, perhaps. After all, I'm sitting next to you.

MARTIN: Oh, thank you, thank you for those few kind words of sympathy.

DOUGLAS: I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that I'm not at Air England anymore. I'm here. And you know some things about my life. You know about Helena thinking I'm the captain.

MARTIN: Yes, why did you tell her that?

DOUGLAS: I didn't tell her. She just assumed I was. People tend to do that. Don't know if you've noticed.

MARTIN: Yes, I have.

DOUGLAS: And I just failed to correct her.

MARTIN: Well, for what it's worth, I really think you ought to tell her. I mean, she loves you. She's not gonna care, you know, whether you're a captain or not.

DOUGLAS: Yes, I have told her now actually.

MARTIN: Oh, right.

DOUGLAS: Yes, quite soon after you came over that day.

MARTIN: Right, and how did she take it?

DOUGLAS: Really well, very well. You were quite right. She didn't mind it at all, not at all. She was glad I told her.

MARTIN: Right, great. Oh, that's wonderful. God, I thought from the way you were saying it, she'd hit the roof.

DOUGLAS: No.

MARTIN: Good.

DOUGLAS: Very calm.

MARTIN: And, wasn't I right? Don't you feel it's a huge weight off your back?

DOUGLAS: Yes, and, no…

MARTIN: And no?

DOUGLAS: What she actually said was, she was pleased I told her my secret, because it made it easier for her to tell me hers.

MARTIN: Oh...

DOUGLAS: Hers were the more conventional sort. If I had to criticize, I must say it lacked the verve and the originality of mine. I mean, "Darling, I've been lying to you about the precise rank I hold in a small charter airline. I flatter myself that's not a confession often made." "Darling, I've been having an affair with my Tai Chi teacher, bit more run of the mill."

MARTIN: Oh...

DOUGLAS: I mean, fair enough. Points for Tai Chi teacher rather than tennis coach or dancing instructor. But basically a familiar territory.

MARTIN: Oh.

DOUGLAS: Hmm.

MARTIN: So sorry.

DOUGLAS: Thank you.

MARTIN: Oh, God, if only I hadn't come round that night.

DOUGLAS: Oh, no. Don't be silly. You didn't tell her after all. Now I don't blame you, I blame the Chinese.

MARTIN: What for?

DOUGLAS: Tai Chi.

MARTIN: Think that was the Japanese.

DOUGLAS: I bet you a fiver – it was the Chinese.   

CAROLYN: Gentlemen…Why are you lurking in the dark? Do you not have fifty P for the meter? (turns on the light) That's better!

DOUGLAS: Ah! Yes, you've just temporarily blinded both your pilots. But hey! What harm could that do?

CAROLYN: Don't fuss. We bring many gifts to cheer you, such as, Arthur, Dinner!

ARTHUR: Here we go, chaps.

DOUGLAS: Good God!

MARTIN: Is this the famous Admiral's pie?

ARTHUR: Yep.

DOUGLAS: The Admiral's not a fussy eater, is he?

CAROLYN: Well you have to bear in mind that idiot features here has been re-heating it and forgetting about it by turns for the last half hour.

DOUGLAS: I think I'll stick to the sandwiches we picked up at the airport, unendorsed by senior naval personnel though they are.

MARTIN: Yeah, me too.

ARTHUR: All the more pie for me.

CAROLYN: So be it. But gentlemen, we bring food for the soul, not just the body. I now present, Mr. Arthur Shappey, with a story of a famous Scottish actor who went for a solitary hike in Russia, got caught in the rain and regretted not having packed with more care. Or as they say in Limerick.

ARTHUR: Sean Connery, in Vyshny Volochyok in the rain on a drizzly solo trek, said, “forgetting my sweater has made me much wetter. I certainly do miss my polo-neck.”

MARTIN: Well, Arthur, that was…just not rubbish, I mean…Wasn't it, Douglas?

DOUGLAS: Certainly it was, and more. All your own work?

ARTHUR: Oh, the thing in the box, was it made by a lot of horses or just one?

MARTIN: Just one. 3.

ARTHUR: 1, 3?

MARTIN: One horse. Three questions left.

ARTHUR: Was it a famous horse?

MARTIN: I suppose so, yes. 2.

ARTHUR: Is it famous for the things he makes?

MARTIN: Well, sort of… not in the way you're thinking. He's not a famous Horse Potter. One, last question.

ARTHUR: All right.

CAROLYN: He's famous for making other horses.

ARTHUR: Wow!

CAROLYN: And now of course you think of a horse frankenstein, don't you?

ARTHUR: Yeah!

CAROLYN: That's my boy, but no! He makes horses in the usual way horses make other horses.

ARTHUR: Oh!

CAROLYN: The penny drops?

ARTHUR: Is it …the thing in the box, is it…? Err !(tone of disgust)

DOUGLAS: That's right

DOUGLAS: Still it's probably good for our souls. I mean, if we're ever in danger of becoming dazzled by the sheer glamour of this job, we can always reflect that the four of us once spent three days traveling half way around the world and back as couriers of a bottle of horse…

CAROLYN: Thank you, Douglas (interrupting Douglas). That will more than do. Arthur, “B”.

ARTHUR: Oh! Big, Bag, Bog, Bob, Bush, Ball, Bag, Bug, Bag, Bag, Bag.

CAROLYN: It is not Bag. Two syllables.

ARTHUR: Balloon, Baboon, Bassoon, Bubble, Babble, Back…Bag, “Bag-bag”, Baghdad.

MARTIN: No, it's something you say at the end of a play.

ARTHUR: Bye-bye.

CAROLYN: No! What do you say to the actors?

ARTHUR: Boo!

DOUGLAS: No! Like Encore.

ARTHUR: Bencore!.

MARTIN: Bravo!

ARTHUR: Yes, I knew that.

DOUGLAS: You really, really didn't.

ARTHUR: Another…

CAROLYN: No!

ARTHUR: Go on, please. Just one more, one last one.

DOUGLAS: All right, “G”.

ARTHUR: Golf.

DOUGLAS: Yes, that's right.

CAROLYN: What's the time?

MARTIN: It is precisely, 1 minute to seven.

DOUGLAS: Or in fact…Oh, no, is one minute to seven.

MARTIN: Of course it is. Because this, loathe though you are to admit it, is a genuine Patek Philippe.

CAROLYN: So who won the evil name game?

DOUGLAS: Oh, it's two all, I think, if I left you to have Calista Flockhart.

MARTIN: Oh, there must be another one. Err, how much time have I got?

DOUGLAS: What does your watch say?

MARTIN: I just told you... Oh! Patek Philippe, that's an evil name.

CAROLYN: Is it?

DOUGLAS: Patek Philippe (in evil's voice)? Well he's certainly not a goody. Not sure he's the super villain though. Maybe he's a henchman.

MARTIN: Rolex?

DOUGLAS: That's the villain's pet robot.

MARTIN: Omega?

CAROLYN: That's his Doomsday device.

MARTIN: Tag Heuer!

DOUGLAS: And there he is. Martin wins.

MARTIN: Yes, I win!

CAROLYN: What noise is that?

DOUGLAS: That, I believe, is the sound of seven o'clock makes on a genuine Patek Philippe.

ARTHUR: So are we nearly there now?

DOUGLAS: No, five hours still to go.

CAROLYN: What are we going to do now?

ARTHUR: I've got an idea, and it's really a good one.

CAROLYN: Oh…all right.

ARTHUR: Brilliant! Here goes.

MARTIN: It's a film.

DOUGLAS: One word.

OTHERS: Airplane!

ARTHUR: How did you know?!

Ending Credits