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Transcript: 3x04, "Qikiqtarjuaq"

Welcome to the new series of Cabin Pressure transcripts! I had no idea I would be the first one up, nor did I have any idea that I would apparently be two for two in transcribing eps with Benedict putting on an accent for the end credits (long may that tradition continue!). My thanks to oxoniensis for correcting my draft. Below the cut is the transcript and a picture of John Finnemore's outline for the episode, taken from his blog. The underlined text indicates lines Martin spoke with a "French" accent.

This week - Qikiqtarjuaq!

CREDITS: This week, Qikiqtarjuaq!

CAROLYN: Good morning, gentlemen! How are we today? Satiated with the delights of New York, all ready to go home?


MARTIN: Mmm, absolutely.

CAROLYN: Then home we shall go. Almost straight away, pausing only for an extremely minor detour.

DOUGLAS: Oh, no.

MARTIN: Carolyn, I can’t!

CAROLYN: To Toronto!

DOUGLAS: Oh, well, that is quite close.

CAROLYN: And then a quick stop to Qikiqtarjuaq and straight home!

DOUGLAS: Oh, Sorry, where?

CAROLYN: Qikiqtarjuaq! Q-I-K-

ARTHUR: Mum! Sorry, but you forgot the U.

CAROLYN: No, I did not. There isn’t a U. It’s Q-I-K-I-

ARTHUR: No, Mum, there’s always a U after a Q. It’s the law. Mrs. Dimand taught me that. Eventually.

CAROLYN: And you are a credit to her. Nonetheless the good people of Qikiqtarjuaq choose to spell it Q-I-K-I-Q-T-

MARTIN: Another Q?


ARTHUR: Q-T? Well, I’m not going to be the one to tell Mrs. Dimand!

DOUGLAS: Leaving the spelling bee aside for a moment, where is this kicky tarry jack?

CAROLYN: Are you referring to Qikiqtarjuaq?

DOUGLAS: You’re really proud of yourself for having learnt to say that, aren’t you?

CAROLYN: Yes. Also, it’s rather pleasing to say Qikiqtarjuaq. Anyway, it’s in Canada.

MARTIN: Near Toronto?

CAROLYN: Nearish.

MARTIN: How nearish?

CAROLYN: About, ooh . . . seventeen hundred miles.

MARTIN: No, Carolyn, I’m sorry, I absolutely can’t, I’ve got a job on Thursday.

CAROLYN: No you haven’t.

MARTIN: I do! Not with MJN, I mean a delivery job, with my van.

CAROLYN: Oh, well, that doesn’t matter.

MARTIN: It matters to me, Carolyn! It happens to be the only thing I’m actually paid to do!

DOUGLAS: Right. I’ve looked it up on my phone. It’s a tiny, isolated settlement in the Arctic Circle! Why on earth are we going there?

CAROLYN: Because that is where the polar bears are.

DOUGLAS: And where do the polar bears want to go?

CAROLYN: The polar bears don’t want to go anywhere. The polar bears just want to be left in peace and quiet. But that is where the polar bears find themselves bang out of luck. Because we are picking up a dozen tourists from Unbeaten Track Travel and flying them past every polar bear we can find between Toronto and Qikiqtarjuaq!

ARTHUR: What? Are we?!? Polar bears?!? We’re going to fly over polar bears?! And see them and look at them and be with the polar bears?

CAROLYN: Yes, we are.

MARTIN: No, we’re not.


MARTIN: No we’re not! For one thing, Gertie’s much too fast a plane; you need a prop-engine aircraft to watch wildlife, not a jet!

CAROLYN: Well, why can’t we just fly slower?

ARTHUR: Yeah, we could just fly slower!

MARTIN: No we can’t.

DOUGLAS: Of course we can! We could come down to 100, 120 easily, as long as we watch the angle of bank.

ARTHUR: Yeah, Martin! We just need to watch the angle of . . . bank, and the polar bears! We need to watch the polar bears!

MARTIN: No, we can’t! She’ll be hard to manoeuvre, and likely to stall. It would be incredibly dangerous and unprofessional.

DOUGLAS: Fun, though – when do we leave?

CAROLYN: Straight away.



ARTHUR: Brilliant!

CAROLYN: Oh, um, if you’re online, Douglas, look up polar bears or exploring or something.


CAROLYN: Because one of you will have to give a lecture on it. Unbeaten Track’s thing is that the crew are all experts on the region and they give lectures.

ARTHUR: Can I give a lecture on polar bears?


DOUGLAS: What do you know about polar bears, Arthur?

ARTHUR: Polar bears are brilliant.

DOUGLAS: You might want to pad that out with some Power Points.

DOUGLAS: Alright, Alfred Hitchcock.

MARTIN: Ooh, okay. Let’s hear it.


DOUGLAS: Hello, my name is First Officer Douglas Richardson. On behalf of the captain and myself, a warm welcome aboard this MJN flight to Qikiqtarjuaq. Just to let you know, we will be flying out from Toronto today, roughly "North by Northwest," at the "Vertigo"-inducing height of twenty thousand feet, way above "The Birds." You will already have met your purser today, Carolyn "Rebecca" "Topaz," but now, as "The Lady Vanishes" behind the "Torn Curtain" into the galley, the steward will hold you "Spellbound" with his "Notorious" demonstration of "The Thirty-Nine Steps" to a safe evacuation, though these basically boil down to three: pull the "Rope," inflate the "Lifeboat," and escape through the "Rear Window."


DOUGLAS: Thirteen, I think. I very nearly got "The Man Who Knew Too Much" in, but I was after all talking about Arthur.

[door opens]


MARTIN: Oh, uh, hello. I-I-I’m the captain, Martin Crieff, and this is –

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Nancy Dean Liebhart.

DOUGLAS: Not quite, but what an interesting guess.

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Expedition supervisor, Unbeaten Track Travel. What was that, please?

MARTIN: What was what?

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: The Hitchcock thing.

DOUGLAS: Oh, you noticed that! Well done.

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: "In an emergency, climb out through the rear window"? Does that strike you as a professional thing for the pilot of an aircraft to say?

MARTIN: No, no, absolutely not.

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: "No, absolutely not" is right, so what the hell just happened?

DOUGLAS: I can assure you, madam, I am entirely professional in all –

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: No you’re not. I can tell professionalism a mile off. You don’t have it, sir. This guy has it. You don’t.

MARTIN: Oh, well. Do I? I mean, yes, yes, I do, actually. Thank you, thank you for noticing.

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: So, why did you let him do it?

DOUGLAS: Yes, why did you let me do it?

MARTIN: Yes, I-I do apologize. Rest assured I will be disciplining him.

DOUGLAS: Oh, will you?

MARTIN: Yes I will, and the rest of the flight will be conducted in an entirely professional atmosphere of the utmost . . . professionality that I always bring to my, my, my –

DOUGLAS: Profession?

MARTIN: Workplace.

[door opens]

CAROLYN: Hello! Everything alright in here?

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Ah, are you Carolyn Shappey-Nappy?

CAROLYN: More or less. Hello, pleased to meet you.

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Nancy Dean Liebhart, expedition supervisor. I was expecting you to meet me and the travellers at the gate.

CAROLYN: Oh, yes, sorry, I was unavoidably detained in the airport, helping the steward find a book about polar bears.

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: So in your absence, I had to conduct them aboard a strange aircraft – in every sense – get them seated, and then listen to your first officer squeezing Hitchcock films into the cabin address!

CAROLYN: Oh, how many did you get?

DOUGLAS: Thirteen.

CAROLYN: Well done!

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: I would like a word with you in the galley, madam.

CAROLYN: With great pleasure.

DOUGLAS: Oh, before you go, how long do you want this Arctic lecture? I’ve worked up about twenty minutes’ worth – will that do?

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: That won’t be necessary, thank you.

DOUGLAS: Oh, but I thought at Unbeaten Track you always –

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: At Unbeaten Track we do, because our crews are staffed by professional experts and adventurers with genuine stories to tell. What I feel I would get from you, sir, is some zany British humour, and I’ve already had about as much of that as I can take.

[door opens]

DOUGLAS: Well, she was a little ray of sunshine, wasn’t she?

MARTIN: I thought she was quite right.

DOUGLAS: Did you?

MARTIN: Yes. I’m . . . sorry to say this, Douglas, but sometimes you are unprofessional.

DOUGLAS: Shall we drop the subject?

MARTIN: No, Douglas, this is difficult f – um, because I think we’ve become friends, and, um, and I’m glad about that, but I-I do also think I have a duty to you a-as your captain –

DOUGLAS: Think very, very carefully about how you want to finish this sentence.

MARTIN: - as your captain to let you know when you’re getting into bad habits. And it was unprofessional to do the film game on real, live passengers.

DOUGLAS: You said, "Let’s hear it."

MARTIN: And what’s worse is that you were seriously considering low-altitude, low-speed manoeuvres in the Arctic! Which would be very unsafe for us!

DOUGLAS: It’ll be perfectly safe, so long as I’m the one doing it.

MARTIN: Yeah, there, you see, no, you think you’re this invincible pilot, but things go wrong for everyone! And-and if you’re not professional in your assessment –

DOUGLAS: And you’re the perfect professional, are you?

MARTIN: No, I’m not perfect, but I am professional, I analyze risk, I make sure I’m in a position to deal with whatever is thrown at me.

DOUGLAS: Of course you know what the actual definition of a professional is, don’t you?

MARTIN: I’m just –

DOUGLAS: What actually separates professionals from amateurs.


DOUGLAS: It’s being paid to do the job. The way Carolyn pays me and doesn’t pay you.

MARTIN: [quietly] Pre-takeoff checklist, please?

DOUGLAS: Certainly, Captain.

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: So you understand the issue I have around this?

CAROLYN: Oh, absolutely, and I do apologize for not being there to meet you, but I assure you that, though small, MJN Air adheres to the highest standards of professionalism.


CAROLYN: Not now, I’m busy.

ARTHUR: No, but there’s a serious problem.

CAROLYN: What, really?

ARTHUR: Yes, look. This book only has a polar bear on the cover - it’s actually about all kinds of bears.

CAROLYN: Well, I rather set myself up for that, didn’t I?

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: It wouldn’t have mattered anyway; I’ve seen your website.

ARTHUR: Oh, have you? Brilliant! You see, Mum, I told you people would go!

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Ohhh, you did that, did you?

ARTHUR: Thank you!

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Are you a professional web designer?

ARTHUR: No, not even a bit! But there’s this website that makes it really simple, even if you’re completely clueless, you can make it play music, and the words flash, and, you know, put in things like a line of dancing aeroplanes – you know, make it look, make it look really professional.

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Okaaay, Ms. Knapp-Shappey, I’m going to ask you and your crew from now on at all times to refer to this flight as being an Unbeaten Track flight, not an MJN one.

CAROLYN: Why? It is an MJN flight.

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Yes, but my concern is that travellers may Google you on their return and discover, no offense, what sort of outfit you are.

CAROLYN: When you say "no offense," do you in fact know what that means?

MARTIN: [quietly] Could you balance the fuel, Douglas?


MARTIN: Have you done it?

DOUGLAS: You saw me do it.

MARTIN: It is protocol to tell me when you’ve done it.

DOUGLAS: I’ve done it.

CAROLYN: Right. If that bloody woman thinks she can tell me how to act in my own – what is the matter with you two, then?

MARTIN: Nothing.

DOUGLAS: Nothing.

CAROLYN: Well, obviously something. Ooh, hang on, I’ve just realized – I don’t care. Douglas, I have decided that on this flight, I require some mildly but not life-threatening unprofessional amusement with which to wile away the time.

MARTIN: Carolyn, no!

DOUGLAS: What a good idea!

MARTIN: Carolyn, I specifically gave Nancy my word that –

DOUGLAS: There’s always the Travelling Lemon, for instance?

CAROLYN: Oh, of course – the very thing!

MARTIN: What, what’s that?

DOUGLAS: Not come across the Travelling Lemon, Martin, in all your professional experience? Well, player one strolls through a full passenger cabin, chatting to the adoring public of this or that topic of interest, and as he goes, he casually secretes somewhere where it can still be clearly seen, a lemon or other citrus fruit, as mutually agreed by the players and referees before match play commences, but I’m a traditionalist and favour a lemon.

CAROLYN: And then, player two goes out, finds it, retrieves it, hides it again. Now what’s our record, Douglas?

DOUGLAS: I believe on that night flight to Miami, we achieved a rally of sixteen.

CAROLYN: Well, I’m sure we can top that.

DOUGLAS: Doubtless. Shall I go first?

CAROLYN: Oh, by all means.


DOUGLAS: Back soon.

[door opens]

MARTIN: [pause] Carolyn, I’m glad I’ve got you alone.

CAROLYN: Oh, dear.

MARTIN: I want a pay rise.

CAROLYN: Martin, this is not the time or the place.

MARTIN: Yes it is. I do a difficult and demanding job, and I want a pay rise.

CAROLYN: Fine – consider your salary doubled.

MARTIN: Very funny.

CAROLYN: Do – do you see, because twice nothing is nothing.

MARTIN: Yes, I get it.

CAROLYN: I could have said triple, because three times nothing is also nothing, and so –

MARTIN: I really do understand!

CAROLYN: Do you? Good, because all this hilarious japery is a nice way of saying, "No, absolutely not."

MARTIN: That’s the nice way, is it?

CAROLYN: Ooh-hoo-hoo, you should hear the nasty way!

[door opens]

DOUGLAS: Carolyn, the lemon is in play.


MARTIN: Carolyn, please, don’t let Nancy see you do this!

CAROLYN: What do you care what she sees?

MARTIN: Just . . . don’t.

ARTHUR: And this one’s a koala bear. Uh, that’s not actually a bear, in fact. This one’s a panda bear - that’s not actually a bear. Honestly, it’s like nothing’s actually a bear!

MRS COOK: I-I’m sorry, I’m confused – why are you showing me this?

ARTHUR: It’s interesting, about bears and things. Don’t worry, it’s all part of the service, it’s not extra. We’re all experts on stuff today, you see. I’m the expert on bears. And Egypt, actually. In Egypt they used to pull your brains out through your nose with a hook. And that’s not even something in this book! That’s something I know!

MRS COOK: Is . . . someone looking after you, young man?

ARTHUR: No, I’m looking after you! You are confused, aren’t you?

CAROLYN: Arthur, what are you doing?

ARTHUR: Um, teaching.

CAROLYN: Code Red, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Ooh, righto.

MRS COOK: What’s Code Red?

CAROLYN: Ohh, it’s just a code between him and I. It means "go away, go away now, go away fast." So, can I get you anything to drink?

MRS COOK: A Coke, please.

CAROLYN: Certainly. Ice and lemon? [pops can of coke, pours drink]

MRS COOK: Just ice, please.

CAROLYN: Alright. One Coke with ice.

MRS COOK: Thank you.

CAROLYN: And I’ll take that.

MRS COOK: Did you just take something out of my handbag?

CAROLYN: No, no, no, no – just from on the top of it.

MRS COOK: What? What did you take?

CAROLYN: Only this. Sorry, I thought you said you didn’t want lemon.

MRS COOK: Nooo, I don’t, but –

CAROLYN: Is it your lemon?

MRS COOK: Uh, no –

CAROLYN: Well, I’ll look after it then, thank you very much.

DOUGLAS: Right. Probably about time to give them my lecture.

MARTIN: No, you’re not doing a lecture. In fact I’m going to do all the cabin address from now on.

DOUGLAS: Oh. Alright.


DOUGLAS: Hello, ladies and gentlemen -

MARTIN: [whispering] Douglas, stop!

DOUGLAS: You want to talk to them, Little Captain Perfect? You can talk to them.

MARTIN: Douglas!

DOUGLAS: Obviously, I've got my thumb on the mute button.

MARTIN: [sighs in relief] Right, then, and well, then -

DOUGLAS: Up until now. Ladies and gentlemen, it is now my pleasure to introduce you to your captain today, Captain Martin du Creff, who joins us today for his first flight, in fact, after ten years with Air France!

MARTIN: You . . . !

DOUGLAS: "Dealing with whatever's thrown at you?"

MARTIN: Although actually, I'm -

DOUGLAS: French - he's a French pilot! From France!

MARTIN: [weakly] Allo? It is . . . my pleasure to be today your pilot on this . . . journey most exciting! However, as I am not the . . . native speaker, the first officer will do most of the talking today.

DOUGLAS: Oh, well, if you insist!

MARTIN: Douglas, that was the most -

[door opening]

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: What the hell was that?

DOUGLAS: Bonjour, madame! Bienvenue dans le flight deck!

MARTIN: I'm sorry, I -

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: You I thought I could . . . not rely on, but I thought at least I could take my eye off you while I run round nursemaiding the rest of your outfit!

MARTIN: It wasn't my fault, though, Douglas -!

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Yeah, the big boy made you do it, I know, I heard. I mean, I thought you could take care of him! This is it, though, okay? I'm talking to you now.

DOUGLAS: Oh, really, how lovely.

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: You've had your fun. It's over.

DOUGLAS: You see, I don't know - I think there might be some mileage left in it.

MARTIN: No, don't worry, I will manage him.

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: I certainly hope so!

[door opens]

MARTIN: Douglas, please, I'm asking you nicely!

DOUGLAS: You didn't tell your friend you'd ask me nicely, though, did you? You told her you'd manage me. So let's see you.

[door opens]

CAROLYN: Douglas, the lemon is with you!

DOUGLAS: Ah! Excellent!

MARTIN: No, please, Carolyn, we just had Nancy in here, she's really angry, she explicitly said -


[door closes]

CAROLYN: Don't worry about her, Martin! She didn't book us; she's just a jumped-up rep.

MARTIN: Yes, I know, I just . . . I really want her to think of me as a professional.

CAROLYN: Why, what do you care what she thinks?

MARTIN: Well, she said I was one, and now she thinks I'm not and . . . well, I'm not, am I, because you don't pay me. You pay the others, but you don't pay me.

CAROLYN: It's not that I won't, Martin, I can't. How many times do I have to tell you? This is a loss-making company, which could fold at any moment! Anyway, I don't pay Arthur!

MARTIN: But he lives with you, so he gets all his food and lodging for free!

CAROLYN: Martin, let me nip this very much in the bud. Any suggestion of you coming to live with us -

MARTIN: Oh, god, no! No, no, no, no! What about Douglas, you pay him, don't you?

CAROLYN: Yes, yes I pay him, because I have to pay him. Because he's not like you. If I stopped paying him, he'd stop coming to work . . . in the limited sense of the word "work" that applies to Douglas.

MARTIN: You . . . could . . . cut his pay, though.

CAROLYN: You want me to cut Douglas' pay?

MARTIN: No, I-I don't want you to, I'm just saying . . . you could. Theoretically. Split it between us. It's not unreasonable; we do the same job! Well, why should he get all the pay? I mean, have you ever thought about the way I live at home?

CAROLYN: Not, I'm delighted to say, for a single second.

MARTIN: Yes, well, maybe you should. I get ten pounds an hour as a man with a van.

CAROLYN: Well, there's your problem! That's far too cheap! Last time I used one, I paid about twenty-five.

MARTIN: Yes, but my van's very old and breaks down a lot, and half the time I'm not there because I'm flying an aircraft for you! The only thing I've got going for me is that I'm cheap! So I live in a horrible attic in a shared house where I'm the only grown-up - all the other five are students at the agricultural college. I've been there nine years now - that's three generations of students! They pass me on to the next lot like a sort of friendly ghost - "Oh, are you living in Parkside Terrace next year? Well, listen, there's a pilot in the attic, but don't worry, he never bothers anyone." I can't afford to go out, to buy nice food - I live on toast and pasta - sometimes, for a treat, I have a baked potato! So just . . . so you know, I'm not asking because I'm greedy.

CAROLYN: [quietly] I will think about it.

MARTIN: Thank you.

[door opens]

DOUGLAS: Behold - the lemon. It was an easy one, Carolyn. You think a seasoned old Travelling Lemon player like me doesn't know the old "air freshener substitution" trick?

MARTIN: Right, good, you've both hidden it, you've both found it - game over, alright?

DOUGLAS: No, no - we're just starting a rally!

CAROLYN: Oh, Douglas, maybe we should -

DOUGLAS: Of course, you haven't found it yet, Martin.


DOUGLAS: I'll do you a deal. I'll hide it for you; if you find it, you can keep it - game over.

MARTIN: And no new game?

DOUGLAS: No new game.

MARTIN: Promise you won't hide it anywhere near or on Nancy?

DOUGLAS: Damn. Alright.

MARTIN: And it'll be in plain sight?

DOUGLAS: Of course. That is the most sacred and fundamental law of the Travelling Lemon.

MARTIN: Alright.

ARTHUR: Hello. You're the woman from Unbeaten Track, aren't you?


ARTHUR: Hello! We didn't meet properly - I'm Arthur. I'm the steward and bear expert. For instance - the sloth bear eats half its own body weight every month.

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: I'm a little busy with these forms.

ARTHUR: Oh, you should do what I do - don't do them! Listen, I-I was just wondering . . . are all your experts on your crew, or do you have guest lecturers?

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Yes, sometimes.

ARTHUR: Right, because I just know an awful lot about bears! At the moment. Ah, so if you ever need to borrow me, well, you'd have to sort it out with Mum, but I'm sure it'd be okay!

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: [coldly] Thank you for your offer. I'll bear that in mind.



ARTHUR: No, no, you said "bear that in mind" - like a bear! Ha ha ha ha ha ha . . . oh, I might put that in my lecture.

MR. PEARY: Ah, excuse me, Captain?

MARTIN: Yes, hello?

MR. PEARY: Oh, you, you sound different in person!

MARTIN: Do I? I do not know why. Can I 'elp you?

MR. PEARY: I, uh, just wondered if everything was okay - you've been up and down the cabin three times now!

MARTIN: Ah, no, all is well. I just, uh. You haven't, by any chance, seen, uh -

MR. PEARY: Seen what?

MARTIN: A little . . . lemon?

MR. PEARY: What?

MARTIN: Nothing, it is no matter.

[door opens]

DOUGLAS: Oh, hello, captain - I'd given you up for lost. Found the lemon yet?


DOUGLAS: Oh, dear. Then the revelry continues.

MARTIN: Look, Douglas, let's just stop fighting.

DOUGLAS: That's easy for you to say - you started it.

MARTIN: Yes, alright, and now I want to finish it.

DOUGLAS: But it hasn't occurred to you, for instance, to say "sorry."

MARTIN: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I called you unprofessional.

DOUGLAS: Thank you.

MARTIN: So we're quits?

DOUGLAS: Nearly. Maybe if -


DOUGLAS: - ladies and gentlemen, First Officer Richardson again. As you know, here at Unbeaten Track, it's our pleasure to provide you with a short talk or anecdote -

MARTIN: [whispering hoarsely] Douglas, no!

DOUGLAS: - from one of our crew with particular knowledge of the region. In this case, I'd like to invite Captain du Creff -

MARTIN: [whispering] Pleeeeeaaaaaase!

DOUGLAS: - to share with you the enthralling story of how he once encountered a polar bear in the wild and outwitted it, armed only with, if I recall correctly, an egg whisk and a pogo stick! Ladies and gentlemen, your captain!

MARTIN: [weakly] Allo. Well . . . I don't like to talk about zis -

DOUGLAS: But you've agreed to now; we're most honoured. So! When did it happen?

MARTIN: Ah . . . when I was in ze French Foreign Legion!

DOUGLAS: Ah, the regiment famous for being non-Frenchmen!

MARTIN: Yes. For me they made ze exception. Because I'm not entirely French. In fact, I'm half English - more than half, actually, so anyway, we were stationed in Alaska -

DOUGLAS: Unusual for a desert regiment!

MARTIN: Yes, it was unusual; we wanted to 'ave ze element of surprise! Anyway, I saw a polar bear so I called out to my comrades -

DOUGLAS: What did you call out?

MARTIN: "Look out - a polar bear!"

DOUGLAS: Only you said it in French.

MARTIN: [rapidly] Of course I said it in French then! I did not say it in French now, because . . . no one would understand me.

DOUGLAS: But, just out of interest - what is "polar bear" in French?

MARTIN: It is, in fact, the same as in English.

DOUGLAS: Really! "Polar bear"?

MARTIN: Yes, it is a word we have borrowed from your language. Only, of course, we say "bear polar."

DOUGLAS: I see. So you saw the polar bear, you called out, "Attention, mes amis, regardez-vous le bear polar!" And then what?

MARTIN: [hurrying to finish] And zen I put the egg whisk into the snowdrift, whisked it up like a blizzard in the bear's face, then under the cover of his confusion, I bounced away on the pogo stick. Thank you, goodbye!

DOUGLAS: Goodness, what a remarkable story! Just goes to show, ladies and gentlemen, truth is stranger than fiction!

MARTIN: [sighing unhappily] Thanks, thanks a lot. You had to do that, didn't you? I just wanted one person, one stranger, to take me seriously as a professional pilot, but you couldn't even allow that - you had to humiliate me! Even after I'd said sorry, and now I don't know why I did.

DOUGLAS: If it helps, the cabin address wasn't on for any of that.


DOUGLAS: No one heard it but you and me.

MARTIN: You weren't pressing the mute button, and the red light was on!

DOUGLAS: True, but while you were out playing hunt-the-lemon, I switched the LED round. Now the red light comes on when the PA is off.

MARTIN: But . . . that would mean it's on now.

DOUGLAS: It is. But now I have got my thumb on the mute button.

MARTIN: You absolute -

[door opens]


[MARTIN yelps.]



DOUGLAS: Of all places! Excellent! Alright, bears, let's see what you've got!

MARTIN: Douglas, I don't think - Douglas! We don't have the altitude!

DOUGLAS: Oh, we've got plenty of altitude!

MARTIN: We don't - we're at treetop level already!

DOUGLAS: Ah, but you're forgetting - no trees in the Arctic! That gives us at least another thirty foot!


DOUGLAS: Oh, you think you can get away that way, do you, Paddington?


DOUGLAS: No, I won't, just sit back and enjoy the ride!


DOUGLAS: Don't exaggerate! A-ha!


DOUGLAS: Let's be having you then, Winnie!


DOUGLAS: No, you don't! Ooh, Baloo, at ten o'clock! Daka-daka-daka-daka-daka-daka-daka-daka!

MARTIN: DOUGLAS, PLEASE, PLEASE STOP! You're going to kill us all! Please! You'll kill us all!

DOUGLAS: Oh, fine.

[Martin pants in relief]

DOUGLAS: Honestly, what a fuss!

[door opens]

CAROLYN: Gentlemen.

DOUGLAS: There you go - we gave them a bit of a show, didn't we?

CAROLYN: Oh, yes.

DOUGLAS: Sorry I had to stop, but they must have got a pretty good eyeful of the bears, didn't they?

CAROLYN: They mainly weren't looking at the bears.

DOUGLAS: Why ever not?

CAROLYN: Because they were mainly frozen in terror! Because for some reason, as soon as you started chasing the bears, the cabin address came on!

DOUGLAS: Oh dear. Now that, I admit, was a bit unprofessional.

CAROLYN: Goodbye! Goodbye! Thank you for flying with Unbeaten Track!

ARTHUR: Goodbye - a female bear is called a sow.

CAROLYN: Goodbye madam, thank you for flying Unbeaten Track.

ARTHUR: Goodbye - a grizzly bear can strip a deer's carcass in six minutes.

MRS. COOK: I beg your pardon!

CAROLYN: Farewell bear facts, madam. Courtesy of Unbeaten Track!

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Excuse me! Let me through! I need you to stop saying that! It was MJN Air, madam, remember - any complaints or lawsuits you may have, direct them to MJN Air.

MARTIN: Ah, excuse me, Nancy?

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: I've nothing to say to you, Captain.

MARTIN: Well, I've something to say to you. I know I haven't come across as completely . . . professional, this trip -


MARTIN: - but as it happens, I am professional! I am the most professional pilot I know; it's just . . . well, it happens that I fly with a crew who . . . well, I'm not blaming them, it's just - [passionately] they never behave like the crews in the manuals! They don't even behave like the crews in the manuals who are the examples of crews behaving badly; they do things no manual's ever thought of! Anyway, I just wanted to say - I am paid to fly aeroplanes, I do it proudly, and I take it seriously. I am absolutely a professional, and I don't need you to tell me so.

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Well. That's a very lovely speech. Very moving.

MARTIN: Hmm. Thank you.

NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Do you know what would have made it even better? If you'd given it without a lemon taped to the top of your hat.

END CREDITS (which Benedict Cumberbatch, being a nutjob, does in Martin's endearingly atrocious French accent).

Comments with corrections or clarifications are welcomed!
(master list of transcripts)


( 24 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 3rd, 2011 11:35 pm (UTC)
Well done you, this is really good work!
Seriously, I wouldn't have the patience to do this
Jul. 3rd, 2011 11:38 pm (UTC)
Also thanks for doing it. ^^ (Hit send too early derp.)
Jul. 4th, 2011 01:21 am (UTC)
It was my pleasure - I'm just so excited the show is back!
Jul. 4th, 2011 01:00 am (UTC)
Loving it!
Just one emmend:


I think he says YES WE ARE, SKIP!!
Jul. 4th, 2011 01:22 am (UTC)
Good call - I've made the change, thanks!
Jul. 4th, 2011 01:39 am (UTC)
You're welcomed!
Jul. 4th, 2011 02:29 am (UTC)
A couple of things:
- WOW that was quick! Well done you!
- Thank you for inadvertently reminding me I'd signed up for transcribing; I'd completely forgotten ~shame~

Mod, can the transcripts page be edited (probably once they've all aired, in fairness!) to reflect the actual order of the episodes at some point please? :) [/OCD]
Jul. 4th, 2011 11:55 am (UTC)
Thanks! I hope yours goes as smoothly!
Jul. 4th, 2011 06:29 am (UTC)
User mckuroske referenced to your post from Voila! saying: [...] Транскрипт первой серии нового сезона Cabin Pressure [...]
Jul. 4th, 2011 08:43 am (UTC)
Oh wow! Thank you so much for doing the transcript!
Jul. 4th, 2011 11:55 am (UTC)
It was my pleasure!
Jul. 4th, 2011 11:08 am (UTC)
WOW. Wow, you go girl, that was fast! Thanks so much for transcribing! And putting up JF's (much too neat) outline of the episode. :)
Jul. 4th, 2011 11:56 am (UTC)
No problem - I like giving back to this fandom!
Jul. 4th, 2011 12:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! It was quick, brilliant, and... professional, I'd say.
Jul. 5th, 2011 03:29 am (UTC)
Ha! I wonder if Nancy Dean Liebhart would be impressed!
Jul. 5th, 2011 03:34 am (UTC)
She should be, surely. She can tell professionalism a mile off, you know. :-))
Jul. 6th, 2011 01:01 am (UTC)
Sank you so much, merci infiniment ! You've been so quick, on top of zat. And mind you, I say all zat with a French accent becauze I'm French - I'm a French commentator! From France! And yes, all the misspellings are volitional. :D
Jul. 9th, 2011 10:37 pm (UTC)
Ha! I'm glad you approve!
Jul. 9th, 2011 03:56 pm (UTC)
I think I scared both my parents and my dogs with my laughter. XD
Jul. 9th, 2011 10:38 pm (UTC)
John Finnemore is hazardous to people's (and animals') health!
Jul. 12th, 2011 07:28 pm (UTC)
Thanks for posting!

Just had to cut and paste some into an e-mail as I had to explain a CP reference I'd just made. :)
Dec. 22nd, 2011 06:19 pm (UTC)
Wonderful transcript. I think this is suppose to make me laugh, and it did. But mostly I just cried a lot.
Mar. 18th, 2012 07:25 am (UTC)
Transcript Sign-Ups!
User andy67che referenced to your post from Transcript Sign-Ups! saying: [...] - 3x04 "Qikiqtarju​aq" [...]
Aug. 14th, 2013 03:58 pm (UTC)
Transcript Sign-Ups!
User darobserver referenced to your post from Transcript Sign-Ups! saying: [...] - 3x04 "Qikiqtarju​aq" [...]
( 24 comments — Leave a comment )