This week - Johannesburg!



CABIN PRESSURE 2x04 JOHANNESBURG

(ding-dong)
ARTHUR: (on intercomm) Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, our onboard transit process today has now reached its ultimate termination.
CAROLYN: He means we've landed.
ARTHUR: Yes. So as yourselves prepare for disemboarding, if I could kindly ask you to kindly ensure you retain all your personal items about your person throughout the duration of the disembarcation.
CAROLYN: He means take your stuff with you.
ARTHUR: In concluding, it's been a privilege for ourselves to conduct yourselves through the in-flight experience today, and I do hope you'll refavor ourselves with the esteem of your [forth-looking?] custom going forward.
CAROLYN: No idea.

CREDITS - This week: Johannesburg!

---

DOUGLAS: Okay, Martin, two miles to run. Descend to five hundred feet. Stand by for visual on target.
MARTIN: Douglas, are we certain about this?
DOUGLAS: Quite certain.
MARTIN: Right. It's just . . . (exhales) I'm sure it's going to be fine -
DOUGLAS: Excellent. I'm also sure it's going to be fine.
MARTIN: The thing is, though, I'm not sure it's going to be fine.
DOUGLAS: What an exquisite paradox. Luckily, though, I'm still completely sure it's going to be fine. So as I'm a hundred percent sure, and you're fifty each way, that still gives us a comfortable hundred and fifty percent working majority.
MARTIN: Douglas!
DOUGLAS: Target in sight. Level five hundred feet. Left, left. Waggle wings. And open air brakes . . . now. (pause) Oh.
MARTIN: What? What? What? I can't see! What happened?
DOUGLAS: I may have very slightly overestimated how fine it would be.

---

CAROLYN: What were you thinking?
MARTIN: All we were trying -
CAROLYN: Shut up, Martin. Douglas, what were you thinking?
DOUGLAS: I just thought, since I had to work on my daughter's birthday, it would be nice to do a little fly past of her party on the way.
CAROLYN: Barrow-in-Furness is not on the way to Paris. So first you stole my aircraft -
DOUGLAS: I wouldn't call it stealing.
CAROLYN: I paid you to fly three hundred miles southwest. You flew it two hundred miles northeast. What is that if not stealing?
DOUGLAS: Hijacking, at most.
MARTIN: Carolyn -
CAROLYN: Shut up, Martin. (to Douglas) But of course, you were just warming up, because not only did you steal my aircraft, you then chose to mark your arrival at the children's birthday party by dropping a bomb on it.
DOUGLAS: The idea was perfectly sound!
CAROLYN: The idea was terminally stupid! (to Martin) Was it your idea, Martin?
MARTIN: No, it wasn't! Oh, and I'm allowed to speak again now, am I?
CAROLYN: No, shut up.
DOUGLAS: It was my idea. It occurred to me that if we filled the air brake cavity with boiled sweets, and then opened it just as we were flying over -
CAROLYN: You could strafe your daughter's birthday party.
DOUGLAS: No, not strafe! We weren't going anything like fast enough! We did check!
MARTIN: I did the calculations.
DOUGLAS: And we were quite sure the sweets would flutter gently down to the excited children beneath, and so they would have done, if it hadn't been rather a hot day, and the sweets in the metal compartment hadn't melted a little. And then, up in the cold air, solidified again, into a . . .
CAROLYN: A sugar brick.
DOUGLAS: (pause) Yes.
CAROLYN: Which you dropped on your ex-wife's house.
DOUGLAS: Yes, but we were very lucky, really. We could have hit her conservatory. Or her BMW.
CAROLYN: Or a child!
DOUGLAS: Now don't exaggerate. All the children had run for safety long before it landed!
CAROLYN: That is not as reassuring a sentence as you seem to think.
DOUGLAS: I'm just saying, we couldn't have hit a child! But I admit, we could have hit a car.
CAROLYN: But you didn't hit a car, did you? You hit a carp.
DOUGLAS: Yes.
CAROLYN: Do you have any idea how much a koi carp costs?
DOUGLAS: I do now, yes. But don't worry, I don't expect you to pay for it.
CAROLYN: You d - Of course you don't expect me to pay for it! Why in heaven would I pay for it?
DOUGLAS: Well, as you pointed out, it is your plane.
CAROLYN: Yes, and I paid you to use it to fly a franking machine to Paris, not to fly a multi-colored confectionary brick to Cumbria and drop it on a fish!
MARTIN: Well, to be fair, we did go to Paris afterwards.
CAROLYN: Martin, really, shut absolutely up.
MARTIN: Right.
CAROLYN: Look. Both of you. I'm being serious. With my serious face. You cannot keep doing things like this. I will spell it out in words of one syllable. If - you - waste - my - money - we - will - go - bust - you - will - have - no - job.
DOUGLAS: (pause) Cash. Not mon-ey.
CAROLYN: Please! Will you take this seriously! We can't go on like this! Look at the trip budget you've submitted for Johannesburg next week - fourteen thousand pounds! Are we flying there on the backs of unicorns?
MARTIN: It's pared to the bone, I promise you - I can't compromise safety for economy!
CAROLYN: That's rich, coming from the Bomber of Barrow.
DOUGLAS: I'm sorry, Carolyn, it's just that the Captain and myself are deeply unmaterialistic. Our souls are rather beautiful that way, actually.
CAROLYN: Is that so? Alright then, First Officer Gandhi, I'll tell you what I'll do. On a one-trip trial basis, if you can magically shave, say, two thousand pounds off that pared-to-the-bone budget, you can split it between you, which should just about pay for the carp. But if it comes in so much as a penny over twelve thousand pounds, you pay me a grand each. Deal?
DOUGLAS: Absolutely, deal.
MARTIN: No, wait, Douglas! The budget really is pretty tight! How on earth -
DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin! Trust me! (to Carolyn) Deal.

---

ARTHUR: Chaps, my galley's been burgled. They've taken the trolley, the duty-free, the microwave, even the hot-water boiler.
DOUGLAS: Sorry, Arthur, that was me. The lighter we keep the plane, the less fuel we need, so I've offloaded all unnecessary dead weight. Speaking of which, how much do you weigh?
ARTHUR: But how'm I supposed to heat up the catering?
DOUGLAS: Oh, I've canceled the catering.
MARTIN: You canceled our food? For a twelve-hour flight?
DOUGLAS: Needless expense. Don't worry, I rustled us up a little something myself.
ARTHUR: Oh, Douglas, you should have asked me!
DOUGLAS: Should I, though, Arthur? Really? The inventor of fizzy yogurt?
ARTHUR: To be fair, I didn't invent that so much as discover the process that makes it.
DOUGLAS: Yes. Yogurt plus time. Here, take these.
ARTHUR: Righto. Uh, how do I prepare them?
DOUGLAS: Take lids off boxes. Empty onto plates. Give to pilots. And - and I can't stress this strongly enough - do nothing else to it whatsoever.
MARTIN: Is that really going to save us much money, Douglas?
DOUGLAS: Every little helps. Why? What have you come up with?
MARTIN: Well, uh, had a good think last night, and I think so long as we get the long runway at Joburg, we may be able to land without using the wheel-brakes.
DOUGLAS: I see. And that'll save us what?
MARTIN: Well, it'll prolong the life of the brakes.
DOUGLAS: To the tune of . . .?
MARTIN: Obviously not in a calculable way.
DOUGLAS: Terrific. Well done.
MARTIN: Well, alright, what else have you come up with?
DOUGLAS: Turn off air conditioning, only take half the liquid oxygen, keep air recirculation fans on, and only use one engine to taxi, and I'm just getting warmed up.
ARTHUR: So, if doing those things saves money, why don't we do it all the time?
DOUGLAS: Well, the most tiresome of pettifoggers might question whether it constituted absolute best practice.
MARTIN: You mean it's horrendously illegal?
DOUGLAS: "Horrendously" is a strong word.
MARTIN: I notice you're not quibbling "illegal."
DOUGLAS: Not dangerously illegal. It's not like I'm suggesting we only fly on one engine, although . . .
MARTIN: NO!

---

MARTIN: (eating) This is excellent, Douglas! Did you really cook it yourself?
DOUGLAS: I did indeed.
MARTIN: Mm, it's lovely.
DOUGLAS: I'm very good at cooking.
MARTIN: Is there anything you're not very good at? (long pause) Douglas?
DOUGLAS: I'm thinking. There are things I haven't tried yet; I suppose it's possible I'm not very good at some of those. Theoretically.
MARTIN: Well, (eating) this is great. Unusual flavor - what is it?
DOUGLAS: Carp.
MARTIN: But . . . not . . .
DOUGLAS: When I pay a thousand pounds for a fish, I don't just throw it in the bin. Now, then, when we get to Joburg, obviously we can save a lot on hotels.
MARTIN: How?
DOUGLAS: By not staying in one.
MARTIN: So where will we sleep?
DOUGLAS: Well, I'm a happily married man, so I shall sleep in the plane. But you, m'lad, have four hours in hand to get yourself invited to the Johannesburgian bedroom of your choice.
MARTIN: Ha ha ha! Yes, I'll sleep in the plane too.
DOUGLAS: That uniform's wasted on you, it really is.
ding-ding-ding
DOUGLAS: Ah, fancy that!
MARTIN: What?
DOUGLAS: Little flashing warning light, Captain. Anti-icing the starboard wing. Declaring itself rabbit of negative euphoria.
MARTIN: What?
DOUGLAS: Not a happy bunny.
MARTIN: Right, okay, okay, okay! Isolate the anti-icing valves, port and starboard, prepare for landing, and -
DOUGLAS: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! We don't need to divert, we can do without anti-icing!
MARTIN: No, we can't!
DOUGLAS: Martin. We're currently flying over southern Spain. We're about to fly the length of continental Africa. May I suggest that ice may not be our most formidable foe?
MARTIN: You know perfectly well the hotter it is, the quicker ice will form if we fly through clouds.
DOUGLAS: But I have a strategic master-stroke to counter that. Let's not fly through any clouds.
MARTIN: But there are clouds - look!
DOUGLAS: What? Those little fluffies? We can just weave in and out of those! And we only have to keep the starboard wing out of them, anyway. It'll be fun!
MARTIN: No, Douglas, we're landing and getting it fixed.
DOUGLAS: You know what? I was wrong about the warning light. It's not on; I made a mistake.
MARTIN: I can see it!
DOUGLAS: No, Martin. That's an optical illusion, caused by the fierce glare of the sun. The hot, Mediterranean, ice-melting sun. Which will beat down on us as we pay landing fees and engineer's fees and hope they'll fix us in time to get to Joburg tonight. In Spain. Lovely people, magnificent culture, not famed for their snap-to-it efficiency.
MARTIN: Yeah, I know, I - I'm sorry, but I have to.
DOUGLAS: (groans)
MARTIN: (on radio) Madrid. Golf-Tango-India. We have a system malfunction. Require radar vectors to nearest suitable airfield.

---

MARTIN: And, post-landing checks complete.
CAROLYN: Gentlemen! I can't help but notice we've landed three hours after takeoff. Which means either you have discovered a hitherto unsuspected warp-drive button, or this isn't Johannesburg.
MARTIN: Carolyn, I'm sorry, you can rant and rave all you like, but we had to divert. The anti-icing system was -
CAROLYN: Yes, fine, whatever you think.
MARTIN: Really?
CAROLYN: Yes, of course. I'm sure you had your reasons.
MARTIN: Well, yes, but don't you want to hear them and then disagree with them? I thought you'd be more . . . furious.
CAROLYN: Yes, it's curious, isn't it? Curious I'm not furious. It turns out I mind losing money a lot less just so long as Douglas is losing it too.
MARTIN: And me.
CAROLYN: Yes, but for some reason, you losing money doesn't make me happy the way Douglas losing money does.
MARTIN: Oh, well . . . thank you, I suppose.
CAROLYN: You're very welcome.
DOUGLAS: Well, sorry to disappoint you, Carolyn, but I have no intention of losing any money. The landing fee should be pretty light in a tiny airfield like this, and it doesn't shut till five - plenty of time for them to fix Gertie.
ARTHUR: Chaps? Have we landed?
DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur, well spotted.
ARTHUR: Well, uh, since you've taken away my water boiler, can I order some hot water here?
MARTIN: Yes, of course.
DOUGLAS: No, no, no!
MARTIN: Oh, come on, I'm not flying the length of Africa without coffee - we need hot water!
DOUGLAS: Certainly, but we don't need to pay thirty Euros for it. There's an old flying-school trick I know.
MARTIN: Of course there is.
DOUGLAS: Arthur. Get a wine bottle, fill it with water, and using the asbestos gloves, place it very carefully on the lip of one of the engine exhausts. Hey presto - boiling water.
CAROLYN: Good heavens, Douglas has discovered his inner Womble.
ARTHUR: But . . . doesn't the air come out of the back of those engines pretty fast?
DOUGLAS: Arthur. The engines aren't on. Clues to this include the aircraft being stationary, on the ground, and eerily quiet. But they'll still be hot from the flight.
ARTHUR: Ahhh. Right, yes. Because I was thinking, otherwise, I might have had a bit of a job -
DOUGLAS: Balancing a wine bottle in a fourteen-hundred-mile-an-hour jet blast? Yes, I imagine you would.

---

SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: I'm sorry, we have no engineer at this airfield.
DOUGLAS: Right. So what do you do when you need an engineer?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: We call Diego out from the big airport at Albacete.
DOUGLAS: Well, can you do that now, please?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: I can.
DOUGLAS: Then do.
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: But he won't come.
CAROLYN: Do you know, I think what I like about this conversation most, Douglas, is that you're the one having to have it.
DOUGLAS: Why won't he come?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: He cannot. His car is broke down.
DOUGLAS: The engineer's car is broken down?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: Yes.
CAROLYN: That's not a terribly good sign, is it?
DOUGLAS: Well, can we go and get him?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: I suppose, but how? You have no car.
CAROLYN: Ah, he's got you there.
DOUGLAS: Can we hire a car?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: Not here, maybe from the airport at Albacete?
DOUGLAS: The place we want the car to get to.
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: Is the nearest place.
DOUGLAS: Well, can we borrow a car?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: Whose car?
DOUGLAS: Well, I don't know - your car!
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: No.
DOUGLAS: Why not?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: It's a nice car. A BMW.
CAROLYN: Well, Douglas here has an excellent safety record with BMWs. Only last week he didn't drop a brick on one.
DOUGLAS: Carolyn, you're really not helping!
CAROLYN: I know, I'm not trying to. It's fun, this, isn't it, chipping in from the sidelines; I can see why you're so fond of it.
DOUGLAS: Señor Quintanilla.
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: Sí.
DOUGLAS: Surely there is a vehicle somewhere on this airfield we can pay you a hundred Euros to let us drive to Albacete and back?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: Ehh. Maybe there is something.

---

ARTHUR: ♪ Three men went to mow, went to mow a meadow! Three men, two men, one man, and his dog! ♪ (speaking) That's where you say "woof, woof," Skip.
MARTIN: No, it isn't.
ARTHUR: I think it is. Because it's just after the word "dog," and dogs go -
MARTIN: I mean I'm not saying "woof, woof."
ARTHUR: It would cheer you up.
MARTIN: We are driving across the Spanish plains in the heat of the day on a sixty-mile round trip on unmade roads in a baggage truck! It's going to take more to cheer me up than saying "woof, woof."
ARTHUR: Well, if you're sure. It always cheers me up. Can we have the air conditioning on, please?
MARTIN: The air - there is no air conditioning! Why would you have air conditioning on a vehicle with no doors?
ARTHUR: To keep it cool.
MARTIN: Arthur. I'm - I really am at the end of my tether here. Could you please just try your hardest not to say anything?
ARTHUR: Really stupid?
MARTIN: No! Just . . . anything.
ARTHUR: Oh, right! Will do, Skip! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
MARTIN: Stop it!
ARTHUR: Sorry! Daah!
MARTIN: Thank you. Now, let's just try and get through this with the minimum of fuss . . . (sound of vehicle grinding to a halt) Arthur, put your hand down. I know. Low. Bridge.

---

DOUGLAS: And eighty is ten thousand four hundred . . .
CAROLYN: Hello, Douglas! Doing your sums?
DOUGLAS: Yes.
CAROLYN: Well, I won't disturb you. Just wondered if you'd heard from Martin yet.
DOUGLAS: No, he's not answering his phone. Why isn't he answering? There's no point even doing this if he's not going to be back in time.
CAROLYN: Oh, don't you worry. I'm quite sure he'll successfully drive his baggage truck to Albacete, find and pick up the engineer, bring him back in plenty of time to fix the plane by five.
DOUGLAS: Do you think so?
CAROLYN: Not even for a moment. There's about six hundred ways that plan could go wrong, even if it wasn't Martin doing it, and it is Martin doing it, with help . . . from Arthur.
DOUGLAS: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
CAROLYN: I honestly don't know when I've enjoyed a trip more. I only wish I'd thought of this years ago. This way, if I lose, you lose, which takes the sting out of it enormously, and if I win, I win, and thus, I win.
DOUGLAS: How nice for you. Oh, blast.
CAROLYN: What?
DOUGLAS: The running total of this trip. Twelve thousand and fourteen pounds.
CAROLYN: Oh, dear
DOUGLAS: Of course, when you said "under twelve thousand," you didn't mean literally to the penny, that would be ridiculous. You meant to the nearest hundred or so.
CAROLYN: Ah, your little face as you tried to look as if you remotely thought you might get away with that! A miss is as good as a mile, I'm afraid.
DOUGLAS: Right.

---

(sounds of vehicle being tested and not well repaired)
ARTHUR: No, it's not budging, Skip. It's really firmly wedged under. I think we must have hit the bridge quite hard -
MARTIN: Yes.
ARTHUR: So. What now, Skip?
MARTIN: I don't know!
ARTHUR: Okay. (sound of other cars honking their horns) Uh, Skip, chap behind us wants to come through.
MARTIN: Yeah, I can see that!
ARTHUR: Oh, okay. It's just, because you weren't doing anything, I thought you hadn't seen him. Um. Still don't really know what we're waiting for.
MARTIN: I'm waiting for . . . I'm waiting for Douglas to say something sarcastic and then sort it out.
ARTHUR: Ohh, right. Of course, Douglas isn't here, Skip.
MARTIN: I know that!
ARTHUR: I mean, I can try and fill in, but I - I don't know how good I'll be. (as Douglas) Uh, I'm glad we're stuck under this bridge -
MARTIN: Shush. Please, just -
ARTHUR: (still as Douglas) That's a good thing -
MARTIN: Stop it, you're not helping! If it comes to that, what are you waiting for?
ARTHUR: You to tell me what to do, Skip.
MARTIN: I don't know! (more horns honking, voices of angry drivers) I mean . . . all I can think of is, um . . . i - i - is I suppose we could, we could let the tires down.
ARTHUR: Oh, right? And pretend we've got a puncture?
MARTIN: No. To lower our height a couple of inches.
ARTHUR: Yes, brilliant! Well, let's do that!
MARTIN: Yes, but what have I got wrong?
ARTHUR: Oh, have you got something wrong?
MARTIN: I always get something wrong! And if Douglas were here, he'd point out what!
ARTHUR: Well, he's not, so shall we just try it and see?

---

DOUGLAS: (knocking on a door) Señor Quintanilla.
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: Hello, yes? Ah, is you again!
DOUGLAS: Yes.
CAROLYN: Hello, Señor.
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: And your merry woman.
DOUGLAS: Isn't she just? Ah, now, Señor, I've just been looking through your airfield bill -
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: Yes?
DOUGLAS: And I was just wondering, if there was any possibility at all of reducing it by, say, twenty Euros?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: Was something not good? Are you not happy?
DOUGLAS: No, no, everything was good; we're very happy.
CAROLYN: Me especially.
DOUGLAS: But I would appreciate it, as a favor, if you felt you could knock off a measly twenty Euros.
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: This is not a market! I am not used to haggle. This is fair price, yes? You do not think I try to cheat you?
DOUGLAS: No, no, absolutely not! Well, look, how about this, then? Is there anything we could do around the airfield, while we're waiting, that would be worth twenty Euros to you?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: I suppose . . . you could wash my car?
DOUGLAS: I'm not going to wash your car!
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: I don't want you to wash my car - I'm trying to help you!
DOUGLAS: Of course. Yes. I - I apologize. Which is your car?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: The BMW.
DOUGLAS: How could I forget?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: Catch! (throws car keys)
CAROLYN: Douglas. Are you going to wash his car - are you really going to wash his car? (laughs) This day just gets better and better!

---

MARTIN & ARTHUR: ♪ . . . went to mow a meadow! Six men, five men, four men, three men, two men, one man and his dog ♪ -
ARTHUR: Wah, wah!
MARTIN & ARTHUR: ♪ - went to mow a meadow! ♪
MARTIN: "Wah, wah," Arthur?
ARTHUR: That's what French dogs say, Skip! I thought I'd do one in French, 'cause we're abroad.
MARTIN: But we're in Spain.
ARTHUR: I know, but I don't know what Spanish dogs say. Do you?
MARTIN: No, no, I don't know what . . . Spanish . . . dogs . . . say.
ARTHUR: What's the matter?
MARTIN: Sorry, same thing again. I just automatically waited for Douglas to say something sarcastic.
ARTHUR: Yes, he'd've had one in there, wouldn't he? What do you think it would have been?
MARTIN: I don't know. However, my young professor of canine linguistics, welcome to Albacete Airport! Twenty minutes ahead of schedule, even with stopping to pump the tires back up!
ARTHUR: Nice work, Skip! It was a brilliant plan!
MARTIN: Ah, it did go rather well, didn't it? Now, apparently, the engineer's office is in the green hangar, it must be . . . that one there! Follow me!
ARTHUR: Right!
MARTIN: Gosh. Sunny, isn't it?
ARTHUR: Woooow! Skip! Are those new? They're brilliant!
MARTIN: Oh, do you like them? Picked them up at the garage. They're called "aviator shades."
ARTHUR: They're amazing! You look like one of those guys in Top Gear!
MARTIN: God, do I? Which one? Not Clarkson?
ARTHUR: No, Tom Cruise!
MARTIN: Top Gun, Arthur.
ARTHUR: Oh, yeah!
MARTIN: (sighs) I've always wanted a pair of these.
ARTHUR: Well, why didn't you get them?
MARTIN: I suppose I thought Douglas would probably be a . . . well. Pretty funny about them.
ARTHUR: Oh, yeah. Yes, he will be, won't he?
MARTIN: I'll take them off quickly before we get back.
ARTHUR: Yeah, probably best. . . . You know, Douglas is great, obviously, I mean, he's brilliant, but . . . this is quite nice, isn't it? Like a little holiday.
MARTIN: Yes. Yes, it is.
ARTHUR: Right. Is this it?
MARTIN: Yes.
ARTHUR: Oh. Uh, Skip? It looks a bit -
MARTIN: Closed.
ARTHUR: Yeah.
MARTIN: Why would it be closed on a Tuesday?
ARTHUR: I - I don't know.
MARTIN: Oh, well, that's it then! We're done for! I should have known the thing with the bridge was just to make it all the worse when we inevitably -
ARTHUR: Yes, but you can think of something, Skip! You were brilliant last time!
MARTIN: Oh! Well. Well we could, um, try and find the manager here, and see if we can get the engineer's home address, drive into town - ah, but it'll be too late, we have to get in the air before five, and it's, what, two-fifteen now - OH!
ARTHUR: What?
MARTIN: Two-fifteen in Spain! Siesta!
ARTHUR: What's that?
MARTIN: It's when they stop work for a couple of hours after lunch to have a sleep.
ARTHUR: Wow! Can we start doing that?
MARTIN: And since the airport's so far from the town, I wouldn't be surprised if the - Let's just try. (knocking) Hello! Hello! El . . . engineer-o! Wake up! Please! Please answer - por favor, it's important! Tre importante! We'll pay extra - bonus lucre! Gracias! (waits) No, of course not. Well, that would just be too -
DIEGO: Yes? ¿Qué quieren?
MARTIN & ARTHUR: YES!
ARTHUR: That's brilliant, Skip!
MARTIN: Oh. Do you think so?

---

(sounds of water sloshing around)
CAROLYN: Ah, there you are, Douglas. I couldn't find you.
DOUGLAS: But then you did.
CAROLYN: But then I did. Why are you hiding behind the aircraft?
DOUGLAS: I'm not hiding.
CAROLYN: Not anymore, certainly. And my, what an excellent job you're doing! You're a demon with that chamois leather!
DOUGLAS: Have you come to help?
CAROLYN: Even better than that. I've come to watch.
DOUGLAS: That's not better.
CAROLYN: Oh, I'm sorry, I meant better for me. It's a lot better for me. (sound of metal squeaking)
DOUGLAS: You've . . . brought . . . a deck chair?
CAROLYN: I always keep one in the hold for just such an occasion. Ahhh, this is the life. You know, I think this would be my luxury if I was on Desert Island Disks.
DOUGLAS: A deck chair?
CAROLYN: No, you washing a car. I think I could endure almost any hardship as long as I had the bible and Shakespeare, Palgrave's Golden Treasury, and the sight of First Officer Douglas Richardson grumpily soaping a wheel arch.
DOUGLAS: Two thousand pounds, Carolyn. Remember that - that's what it's going to cost you.
CAROLYN: Cheap at twice the price. And that's only if Martin gets back in time, which, really, what are the chances of that?

---

MARTIN & ARTHUR: ♪ Six men, five men, four men, three men, two men, one man and his dog ♪ -
MARTIN: Diego?
DIEGO: Wow, wow!
MARTIN & ARTHUR: ♪ Went to mow a meadow! ♪
MARTIN: "Wow, wow"? When have you ever heard a dog say "wow, wow"?
DIEGO: Every time I have heard a dog, he have said to me, "wow, wow."
MARTIN: Then you, Señor, have been speaking to some very peculiar dogs. Arthur, where are we up to?
ARTHUR: Thirty-two.
MARTIN: Very well, on my count, gentlemen! One, two, three! ♪ Thirty-two men went to mow, went to mow a meadow . . . ♪

---

DOUGLAS: (huffs) Twenty to five! That's definitely it, then!
CAROLYN: You've said that every five minutes since four o'clock.
DOUGLAS: YES! But there's no way we can do it now, even if he -
MARTIN & ARTHUR & DIEGO: ♪ - one man and his ♪ -
DOUGLAS: Oh, look!
MARTIN: Elephant!
DIEGO: Praa, praa!
MARTIN & ARTHUR & DIEGO: ♪ WENT TO MOW A MEADOW! ♪
MARTIN: "Praa, praa," Diego, really?
DIEGO: Of course.
DOUGLAS: Martin! Good Lord! Maverick flies again!
MARTIN: Hello, Douglas! Can I suggest you save all the jokes about my shades for now, and we'll have them in a nice long stream once we get airborne? In the meantime, Carolyn, Douglas, this is Diego, a fine engineer, a useful light baritone, and a man with an inexhaustible knowledge of how Spanish animals go. Diego, do your Spanish cockerel?
DIEGO: Ki-kirri-kee!
MARTIN: Yup, that's my favorite one. Now then, Diego, here's the wing, get to work. Arthur, park the truck.
ARTHUR: Where?
MARTIN: Uh, well behind the plane, by that . . . wet . . . car. You two, get on board, and prepare to leave immediately!
DOUGLAS: But Martin, we've only got twenty minutes before they shut the tower. He can't possibly fix it -
MARTIN: Certainly he can! A man who can imitate a Spanish squirrel helping forty-eight men mow a meadow is capable of anything. Now, come on, we have to get a move on!
DOUGLAS: In other words, you feel the need. The need for speed.
MARTIN: Seriously, Douglas, save them for later.

---

MARTIN: (panting) Done!
DOUGLAS: You did the walk-round?
MARTIN: (panting) Yes.
DOUGLAS: In forty-five seconds?
MARTIN: More of a jog-round, but I saw everything I needed to see. (panting)
DOUGLAS: But your walk-arounds take days!
MARTIN: Well, maybe I've gained a little faith in my instincts as a pilot! Now, how are we doing?
DOUGLAS: Seven minutes to five. Cabin ready. Pre-takeoff checks done. How about the anti-icing?
MARTIN: Diego's still looking at it. (panting)
DOUGLAS: Well, then. Why are we bothering? There's no way -
(knocking)
MARTIN: A-ha! Come in! Diego, anti-icing all fixed?
DIEGO: No.
DOUGLAS: Ah.
MARTIN: Then what were you doing up there? Go and fix it!
DIEGO: Not fixed, because not broken.
MARTIN: Not broken?
DIEGO: No, he is very well.
MARTIN: But it was. It - it was definitely broken. Look, the little orange warning light's on!
DIEGO: Oh. Let me see? Yes. Little orange warning light - he is broken. (thump) There! All better!
MARTIN: Right. Thank you, Diego. Now, quick, get off the plane.
DOUGLAS: Right. So all of this was in aid of a dodgy warning light.
MARTIN: Yes, well. Just one of those things. Could have happened to anyone.
DOUGLAS: Could have done, but actually happened to -
MARTIN: - to both of us. You didn't give the light a thump any more than I did. Anyway, it's a good thing! It means it's fixed now, we can still get away in time, we can still get in under budget.
DOUGLAS: But?
MARTIN: Douglas, be quiet. (flips on intercomm) All ready in the back?
CAROLYN: All ready.
MARTIN: (flipping switches and controls) Right. Air con?
DOUGLAS: Off.
MARTIN: Anti-collision light?
DOUGLAS: On.
MARTIN: Fuel pump switches?
DOUGLAS: On.
MARTIN: Hello, Ground, are we clear to start number one?
GROUND CONTROL: Clear to start number one.
MARTIN: Starting one.
DOUGLAS: So. Do I take it you had some sort of mystical awakening on your road trip?
MARTIN: No, nothing like that. I just had cause to remember that I'm not, in fact, quite as incapable as it suits certain people to make out.
DOUGLAS: Well, if it earns us a grand each, I'm all in favor of it. Engine stable.
MARTIN: Thank you. Fuel flow?
(sound of glass breaking, then a car alarm starts up)
DOUGLAS: Engine malfunction [?]
MARTIN: Shutting down number one!
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: What have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!
MARTIN: We don't know! What's happened - what did you see?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: You have fired . . . a missile . . . from your plane!
MARTIN: Is anyone hurt?
SEÑOR QUINTANILLA: My BMW! My BMW is hurt! You fire your missile straight into my car!
DOUGLAS: Martin. In the course of your jog-round, did you happen to instinctively notice whether Arthur had retrieved the bottle of water from the engine exhaust?
MARTIN: (wailing) Ohhhhh! (sound of something snapping)
DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin. You've broken your new shades.

END CREDITS.


Comments with corrections or clarifications are welcomed!