Have completed the first episode, edited by persiflage_1, to whom with all the love and thanks.
Do let me know if you find anything further.
Cabin Pressure Series 1, Episode 1 – Abu Dhabi
DOUGLAS: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, First Officer Douglas Richardson here. Just to let you know, we're making our final approach now into what I am fairly sure is Fitton airfield..unless it's a farm..or just possibly the A45. It's not the sea, because that's blue. I should perhaps explain that Captain Crieff and I have a sportsman-like little bet on today about who can fly the best after drinking a litre of Vodka through a straw. The Captain went first. You may have noticed the takeoff run was a little bumpy, particularly over the golf course. Now it's me to land, just as soon as I decide, which of these two runaways to aim for. And I'm happy to tell you that I feel lucky. So on behalf of all your crew today, may I just say, geronimo!
Opening Credit (by BC) - This week, Abu Dhabi!
DOUGLAS: Ah, yes, of course. May!
MARTIN: Hmm, yup. Cant!
ARTHUR: Here we are, gents. Coffee with nothing in it. Tea with everything in it. Great cabin address, Douglas? I love cargo flights.
DOUGLAS: Thank you, Arthur.
MARTIN: Ooh, Eno?
DOUGLAS: Ooh, Eno?
MARTIN: Ooh, Eno.
DOUGLAS: Ah..yes! Sewell.
ARTHUR: Oh, what are we playing?
MARTIN: Brians of Britain.
ARTHUR: Then there must be loads of them! Uh, um..
DOUGLAS: Well, not to worry, as they come to you.
ARTHUR: Oh, who's that guy? Hm, oh, gray haired, did that game show, "Can I have a P please, Bob?" Uh..what's his name?
DOUGLAS: Your hope being that it was Brian..?
ARTHUR: Yeah, Brian..Uh..Brian..
MARTIN: Bob Holness. It was Bob Holness.
ARTHUR: That's it! Oh..Well, does he count anyway?
DOUGLAS: Does Bob Holness count in our list of people called Brian. What the hell, yes, he does. Well done!
(over the intercom)
Tower: Golf-Tango-India, expect twenty min delay due runway inspection. Enter the hold at arden. Maintain seven thousand feet.
MARTIN: Golf-Tango-India, Roger. Hold at arden. Maintain seven thousand feet. Can you confirm delay only twenty minutes?
Tower: (exhales) Probably..All depends, really.
MARTIN: Thank you, Tower. Hugely informative as ever. Out. (turns off the intercom) Sorry, chaps, looks like we'd better divert to Bristol.
ARTHUR: Bristol? Why?
MARTIN: Fitton's got a runway closure. We'd have to hold for twenty minutes
ARTHUR: But Bristol, that's miles away.
MARTIN: Yes..Luckily enough though, we are in an aeroplane, specially designed to be good at going miles away quite quickly.
ARTHUR: Yeah..But my car's at Fitton.
MARTIN: Oh, well then, let us, by all means, circle round it until we drop out of the sky.
DOUGLAS: Do you know, Martin, all these years and I've never been to Bristol?
MARTIN: We'll get ready for a treat.
DOUGLAS: I don't know. I was rather hoping not to break my duck.
ARTHUR: Skip, are you sure there's not enough fuel to wait, because there's always a little bit left when the guage shows red.
MARTIN: Yes, oddly enough, Arthur, a jet aircraft isn't as precisely similar to a Vauxhall Corsa as a stupid person might imagine. We're going to Bristol.
ARTHUR: What do you reckon, Douglas?
DOUGLAS: We could go to Bristol, I believe. People do. However, we've easily enough fuel spare to hold for twenty minutes, maybe even thirty.
MARTIN: Yeah, I'm sorry, but we are diverting.
ARTHUR: Yeah, hang on a tick though, If Douglas reckons twenty minutes..
MARTIN: No, let's not hang on a tick. Let's listen to the Captain, shall we?
DOUGLAS: Of course, Martin, if you say we divert, then divert we shall.
MARTIN: Thank you.
DOUGLAS: Unless of course we were to smell smoke in the flight deck.
DOUGLAS: I'm just saying, if by any remote chance, we smelt smoke in the flight deck, we would of course be duty-bound to land at the nearest available airfield with immediate priority. In this case, by a happy coincidence, Fitton.
MARTIN: Yes, maybe. But I don't smell smoke in the flight deck.
DOUGLAS: (lighting a match) How about now?
MARTIN: What are you suggesting, Douglas?
DOUGLAS: We tell the Tower we smell smoke which we do. We get to land straight away. They check the aircraft. Don't find anything. One of the life's little mysteries, but jolly good boys for taking no chances. Everybody is happy, and there's jam for tea.
ARTHUR: Right. That's, you know, that's really clever.
MARTIN: No! I'm sorry, but absolutely not.
DOUGLAS: I used to do it all the time at Air England.
MARTIN: Well, you're not at Air England now. Where you are now, is in a co-pilot seat, and on the way to Bristol. You'll like it. They have a lovely suspension bridge.
DOUGLAS: Well..Shall I just sat-com Carolyn before we make our final decision. It's rather an expensive diversion.
MARTIN: No! We have made our final decision. I have decided. And as Carolyn knows, whilst in flight, I am supreme commander of this vessel.
DOUGLAS: Golly! Captain Bligh flies again.
MARTIN: Douglas, I am not impressed by your Air England mates. When you are on Captain Bligh's aircraft, you could do it his way. But when you're on mine, you do it mine. Is that understood?
MARTIN: Yes what?
DOUGLAS: Yes, it is.
MARTIN: Yes, it is what?
DOUGLAS: Yes, it is understood
MARTIN: Yes, it is understood, what?
DOUGLAS: Yes, it is understood, please.
MARTIN: I'm waiting.
DOUGLAS: Martin, you're not seriously asking me to call you Sir?
MARTIN: Yes, I am. Why is that so hard to believe?
DOUGLAS: Well, to select just one reason from the fifteen or sixteen that present themselves, I'm old enough to be your father.
MARTIN: Not unless you started very young.
DOUGLAS: I did.
MARTIN: Right. Well, I think your age and your previous role is giving you a rather skewed view of the chain of authority on this aircraft. Maybe a little observation of the formalities would help remind you which one of us is still the Captain. So--is--that--understood?
DOUGLAS: Yes..(pause) Sir.
MARTIN: Thank you! (flip on the intercom) Fitton approach, Golf-Tango-India, in view of your delay, request diversion to Bristol.
(Sound of a plane flying)
CAROLYN: Martin, you're a berk.
MARTIN: I'm not a berk, Carolyn. I'm an airline captain.
CAROLYN: Wrong on both accounts. You're a colossal berk and you are not an airline captain. I don't have an airline. I have one jet. You cannot put one jet in a line. If MJN is anything, it is an air dot.
MARTIN: Look, I'm sorry, Carolyn, but I can't just magic up extra fuel.
CAROLYN: Yes, and I can't just magic up seven thousand pounds to spend on you taking a scenic tour of the west country. And where were you in all this, Douglas? Don't tell me you voluntarily went to Bristol.
DOUGLAS: I did suggest an alternative plan to Sir, Carolyn. But Sir quite properly reminded me that Sir is in command and we should all obey Sir at all times.
CAROLYN: Who reminded you?
DOUGLAS: Captain Crieff, or as I'm privileged to call him, Sir.
CAROLYN: Martin, you are many things, but believe me, you are not Sir. If anyone is Sir, I am Sir. And as Sir, I'm telling you from now on diversions are out.
MARTIN: I see, so if an engine catches fire on takeoff, shrug shoulders, keep upper lip stiff, and press on for Portugal. Got it!
CAROLYN: All right, biggles, you divert if something goes very, very seriously wrong, and I'm talking, "Oh, dear, surely we had two wings when we started wrong." Otherwise, otherwise you press on like a brave little soldier and you stop treating my company as a bottomless money pit..
MARTIN: That is completely unfair.
CAROLYN: Is that right? I'll tell you what then, why don't you explain to me why you have the cargo hold heated at thirty degrees all trip?
MARTIN: Did we?
CAROLYN: Didn't you even know?
MARTIN: Well, the thermostat's in the hold, you see..
CAROLYN: You are allowed to look in there when you do the walk-around, you know. It's not a secret. Do you know how much it costs to keep a large metal room toasty warm thirty thousand feet up in the air. It is surprisingly pricey. So listen, next Thursday, you are going to Abu Dhabi, and you are going cheap. You will fly the most no-frills, most cost effective plane it is possible to fly. You will make easy jet look like Air Force One. Understood?
MARTIN: Yes, Carolyn.
DOUGLAS: And who are the lucky passengers on Scrooge McDuck Air.
CAROLYN: No passengers. Some oil exec has moved out there, and we're bringing them everything he owns, furniture, clothes, carpets, cat, the lot.
MARTIN: All right, what time's the pickup?
CAROLYN: There's not going to be, a pick-up.
CAROLYN: Well you remember that thing I said fifteen seconds ago about no frills? Well, astonishingly that's still in effect. There will be no taxies. You'll get to my house at 6:30 and I'll drive you.
MARTIN: No! No, no, no, no! I'm sorry, Carolyn. You simply can't treat us like this.
CAROLYN: Fine, then do by all means, feel free to resign, Martin, and take a job with one of the many companies eager to sign up the only commercial pilot in the skies who took seven goes to get his licence.
MARTIN: Look, Carolyn, you cannot penalise me for taking a rational command decision based on reasonable air safety concerns.
CAROLYN: Yes, I can.
MARTIN: Well, technically you can, but..
CAROLYN: Good! Then technically I will. Now please, go and be somewhere else.
DOUGLAS: Well done, Sir. That's her told.
(Carolyn is washing her dog in the bath room)
ARTHUR: (knocks at the door) Morning, Mum. Can I come in?
CAROLYN: Do you have coffee?
ARTHUR: (answers outside the door) Yes.
CAROLYN: Can I have the coffee without talking to you?
ARTHUR: (answers outside the door) Not really.
CAROLYN: (sighs) Oh, come in then.
ARTHUR: Here you go (passes over the coffee). Do you need a hand?
CAROLYN: Yes, pass me the shampoo and catch hold of this. All right, good girl..(dog barking) Oh..Who's going to be a lovely clean doggy!
ARTHUR: You know the chaps'll be here soon, don't you?
CAROLYN: What time is it?
ARTHUR: 6:15. Oh, damn.
ARTHUR: I'm trying to train myself always to talk in 24 hour clock like Martin. But I keep forgetting.
CAROLYN: What should you have said?
ARTHUR: Well, 6:15. But not the 6:15 I was thinking of. You see, I was thinking of one there's two of. But when you do it right, there should only be one. And what I was..
CAROLYN: Arthur..Arthur, Arthur, light of my life. Do please shut up.
ARTHUR: Right. Yes, sorry, sorry..Mum, I'm just so excited about that trip.
CAROLYN: Arthur, you've been on hundreds of trips. Hasn't that novelty worn off a little?
ARTHUR: No, never! It's just always exciting. That amazing moment when twelve tons of metal leaves the earth, and no one knows why.
CAROLYN: Yes, we do.
ARTHUR: Yeah, but, you know..Not really. I mean, we know you need wings and engines and.. a sticky up bit on the end for some reason. But it's not like we actually know why a plane stays in the air.
CAROLYN: No! No, Arthur, we really do. We, we do. We do know that.
ARTHUR: Oh, how then?
CAROLYN: Well! Er, because..will you give me that towel? Yup, okay, okay, good doggy, keep still (the dog whimpers and struggles). Hmm, because, there're four forces acting on the plane, and so long as two of them are bigger than the other two, the plane flies.
ARTHUR: Mum, I don't mind that no one knows.
CAROLYN: But we do! We do! That's it, what I said. That's how.
ARTHUR: Well, what are the four forces then?
CAROLYN: Yes! Well, I will tell you what they are, lift, weight, er..
ARTHUR: Up and down?
CAROLYN: No, no, no, no, no..Those, those, those are up and down. No, it's lift, weight..
ARTHUR: Left and right?
CAROLYN: No, no, no, no..Lift, weight..
CAROLYN: No, no..Well, yes, yes, yes..sort of. Um, thrust, thrust..Lift, weight, thrust, and..
CAROLYN: Drag! Lift, weight, thrust and drag. So the weight and dr'g are overcome, because the engines give the plane thrust and the wings give it lift. And that’s--how--a--plane--flies.
ARTHUR: How do the wings give it lift?
ARTHUR: The wings are really heavy. How does bolting two ginormous lumps of metal to a ginormous lump of metal give it lift?
CAROLYN: Oh, because they are wings. They're like birds' wings.
ARTHUR: Yeah, but birds' wings flap. Ours don't flap. They've got flaps, but I once watched the flaps, all the way to Stockholm. And take it from me, they're seriously misnamed. So, so why does having wings make the plane leave the runway?
CAROLYN: (not knowing how to answer, and the door bell rings) Ah..They're here. Now go and wait in the car with them. I need to clean my teeth.
ARTHUR: Yeah, but how do the wings..
CAROLYN: Answer the door!
ARTHUR: Okay, I'm going. I'm going. (slams the door)
CAROLYN: (the dog whimpers) There we are. Snoopadoo, who's a lovely clean girl. Hoho, go free. (The dog runs away.)
ARTHUR: (opens the door) Hi, there, Douglas.
DOUGLAS: Morning, Arthur. You are revoltingly chirpy for half six in the morning. Where's your mother?
ARTHUR: She's just brushing her teeth. She says to wait for her in the car. (opens the car door) Uh, where's Martin?
DOUGLAS: Who can predict the movements of the supreme commander? Perhaps God wanted to pick his brains about something.
ARTHUR: How do you mean?
DOUGLAS: Never mind. Ah, what's this. (Martin approaches) Who is this commanding presence hoving into view? Can it be Sir? It can.
MARTIN: Morning..(not cheerfully)
DOUGLAS: Greetings, oh, Sir.
MARTIN: Don't call me Sir, Douglas.
DOUGLAS: Sir's mind is fickle and changeable. I shall endeavor to remember, Sir, but from time to time, my natural awe at the majestic figure cut by Sir may bubble up, uncontrollably here. And..
MARTIN: Thank you, Douglas. Truly you're an hilarious pilot. Where's Carolyn?
DOUGLAS: Sharpening her teeth.
DOUGLAS: Brushing her teeth. Yes, sorry. Well, in you get then, Sir of Sirs. You are letting the cold in.
MARTIN: I can't. You are in my seat.
DOUGLAS: Your seat? You have a seat?
DOUGLAS: In Carolyn's car?
MARTIN: The front seat is my seat.
DOUGLAS: What? Did you call shot gun?
MARTIN: Didn't need to call a shot gun. Im the Captain.
DOUGLAS: The Captain gets the front seat in the aircraft, Martin, because he's driving it, not in any vehicle he happens to be in.
MARTIN: I always sit in the front seat in a taxi.
DOUGLAS: Only because the taxi goes to your house first. This time I got here first and so here I am, voila.
ARTHUR: Tell you what, if it makes it easier, I can go in the front.
DOUGLAS & MARTIN: Shut up, Arthur.
MARTIN: Douglas, I've got to do the briefing. How am I supposed to give the briefing from the back seat?
DOUGLAS: I'll still be able to hear you. I'll be in the same car, and everything. And, my legs are longer, yards longer.
MARTIN: But, I don't..
DOUGLAS: Oh, all right, I'll toss you for it.
MARTIN: Hey, no, that's not fair. You know about me and coin tosses.
DOUGLAS: Heads or tails?
MARTIN: Oh, bloody hell, tails then.
DOUGLAS: (toss a coin) Oh, that's odd.
MARTIN: Did I win?
DOUGLAS: (Sighs) Uh..
MARTIN: Did I actually win? That never happens. That's the first time in a run of about five hundred.
DOUGLAS: Oh, just get on with it.
MARTIN: (changes the seat and enjoys) Oh, now, that is nice. Comfy. Ah..Now, listen up, chaps, here is the briefing, fairly straightforward. Weather is good . Clear skies expected in Abu Dhabi. Our alternate is Dubai. I'll operate out. Douglas, you'll operate back. Trust that's all clear?
DOUGLAS: Aye, aye, Captain Ahab.
MARTIN: I Suppose he's a friend of Captain bligh's, is he?
DOUGLAS: The three of you should go for a drink sometime.
(Carolyn comes and enters the car.)
CAROLYN: Ok, team useless. We're late.
MARTIN: But, that' because you were..
CAROLYN: Shut up and listen, here's your briefing. Douglas will operate out, Martin back. Clear skies at Abu Dhabi. Your alternate is Bahrain.
MARTIN: Carolyn, I've already done..
CAROLYN: No, really, shut up and listen. Alternate Bahrain, but of course you don’t need an alternate. Because today is the day we try running MJN as a profitable business, rather than a charitable sanctuary for rubbish pilots. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait a minute. Martin, swap seats with Douglas.
CAROLYN: He's too tall. I can't see out of the back window. Now, come on, chop, chop!
MARTIN: I don't believe..
CAROLYN: I'm going to count to one..One!
(The two swap the seats)
DOUGLAS: Look at all this lot, carpets, vases and a storage heater.
MARTIN: Why would he want a storage heater in Abu Dhabi?
DOUGLAS: Well, there is a lot of heat to store
MARTIN: Right, we're done. Arthur, we're done.
ARTHUR: Coming, Skipper (outside the door).
MARTIN: What are you doing back there?
ARTHUR: Trying to soothe the cat. (sound of cat miaowing, screaming and biting) Ah..
MARTIN: God! What happened?
DOUGLAS: Good heavens, are you all right?
ARTHUR: I think so. He's sweet, really. He was just playing.
MARTIN: At what, being a leopard?
DOUGLAS: I wouldn't have thought he could get his paws through the bars?
ARTHUR: Nor did I. He really can, though.
MARTIN: Do you want to go and sew yourself back together?
ARTHUR: No, I'm fine. Ish, are, are we done?
DOUGLAS: It seems so. And now it's back to the boring old plane flying.
ARTHUR: Oh, yes, about that, um, I wanted to ask you something, Skipper. Mum was telling me this morning the planes fly because they've got wings.
DOUGLAS: Is there anything that woman doesn't know?
ARTHUR: But she didn't really explain, why the wings lift us up.
DOUGLAS: Ah, well, essentially..
MARTIN: Uh, Douglas, he asked me. Listen carefully, Arthur. The wing is curved on top but flat on the bottom. When it meets the air, its split in two. The air that goes over the top has further to go, so it has to go faster to keep up with the air underneath, that reduces pressures above the wing, giving us a lift.
ARTHUR: Ah, fantastic! Thanks, Skipper. I, I totally get it now.
MARTIN: You are welcome.
ARTHUR: Except, why does it have to?
MARTIN: Why does it what what?
ARTHUR: Why does the air on the top have to keep up the air at the bottom? Why don't they just..split up?
DOUGLAS: For the sake of the kids?
MARTIN: Fuel system checked?
MARTIN: Transponder checked?
DOUGLAS: Like a picnic table cloth.
MARTIN: In general plane not broken?
DOUGLAS: The plane is, so far as one can tell, not broken.
MARTIN: Great. I'll go and do the walk-around then.
DOUGLAS: Not forgetting of course to check that the cargo hold temperature..
MARTIN: No, obviously not forgetting that. Douglas, do I have to remind you again who's in command?
DOUGLAS: Could it by any chance be you, Captain Queeg.
MARTIN: Queeg? You're just making them up now?
(The plane starts.)
TOWER: Bonjour, Golf-Tango-India, maintain 340 direction.
DOUGLAS: Mais oui, mon ami (French). Out. (flips off the intercom)
MARTIN: Post takeoff checks complete, Douglas.
DOUGLAS: Thank you, Captain Perkins.
MARTIN: Oh, knock it off, Douglas.
DOUGLAS: Knock what off?
MARTIN: Yes, all right, I've never heard of Captain Perkins. Happy now? You win again in the game of referencing fictional captains I don't recognize. But do you know, that's because instead of reading the adventures of Captain Perkings in my Punt At Eton college Oxford. I was re-reading Principles of Climatology for pilots and underlining bits in red. All right?
DOUGLAS: All right. Feel better?
DOUGLAS: Good. I said, thank you Captain Perkins, Brian Perkins.
MARTIN: Oh, right..Hanrahan.
ARTHUR: Lunch is served, gents.
DOUGLAS: Ah, excellent. What have we today?
ARTHUR: Oh, heaps of deliciousness. I spent hours on it.
MARTIN: Arthur, I very much hope that you mean by that you spent hours removing the lids from our delicious catered food.
DOUGLAS: Which to be fair, w're perfectly prepared to imagine of you.
ARTHUR: Okay, uh, you see, the caterers were one of the things Mum thought we could tighten our belt around. She thought that, with me not having terribly much to do on cargo flights, I could try my hand at doing the meals.
MARTIN: Did she?! Did she really? And what have you prepared?
ARTHUR: Well, uh, two separate meals as per. For someone, this..(takes off the lids)
MARTIN: My God!
ARTHUR: I call it my orange platter.
DOUGLAS: Really? I wonder why.
ARTHUR: Oh, because everything in it..
DOUGLAS: Yes..Arthur, I can see why.
MARTIN: What makes the mashed potato orange?
ARTHUR: Cooking it in the same saucepan I used to curry the baked beans.
MARTIN: And the other option?
ARTHUR: Aha, my signature dish. Behold! Surprising rice.
DOUGLAS: Good lord!
MARTIN: What're..those bits?
ARTHUR: Ah, you see, Skipper, if you don't mind me saying so, that question is entirely against the spirit of surprising rice.
DOUGLAS: Arthur, you are aware the point of giving us separate meals is so that we can't both get food poisoning? There's really not much point if you're just going to poison us in two different ways.
ARTHUR: Oh, come on, chaps. I tried my hardest, you know.
MARTIN: That's what we're afraid of. Arthur, sorry, but please take these away, humanely destroy them, and see if there's any edible on the plane. Douglas, sat-com please. (talks over the intercom) Carolyn, what the hell are you trying to do?
CAROLYN: What's the matter? Has Arthur told you about the accommodation already. I told him to wait until you landed.
MARTIN: What? No! What about the accommodation?
CAROLYN: Oh! Nothing, nothing. You'll love it. It has olde worlde Bedouin charm. What did you want then?
MARTIN: The food, Carolyn! We're skilled professionals, doing a difficult and dangerous job. We need proper catering.
CAROLYN: Skilled professionals don't go to Bristol. Ask anyone. Skilled professionals don't forget to check the cargo-hold heating. Speaking of which, did you check it?
MARTIN: Yes. Yes, of course I did. How can I forget with everyone reminding me twice a minute. I checked it before the walk-around and I checked it the after walk around. And it was definitely, definitely off.
DOUGLAS: Sir means on. Naturally, it was on. Whoops, must go now, Carolyn. Here comes a mountain, cheerio! (flips off the intercom)
MARTIN: Douglas, is this some half baked revenge attempt? Because if so, it's really pointless. What would she believe I deliberately turned it on?
DOUGLAS: Why indeed? But I have the sort of feeling you might hope she did, what with the cat in the hold. And all?
MARTIN: Oh, God.
DOUGLAS: Precisely, I did try to remind you.
MARTIN: Oh, God.
MARTIN: Do you think it's dead?
DOUGLAS: No, no, definitely not. Not yet.
MARTIN: Oh, God!
DOUGLAS: Probably feeling the chill though.
MARTIN: What flight time have you got?
DOUGLAS: A little under eight hours.
MARTIN: (sighs) How long can a cat survive, in an unheated hold at thirty-four thousand feet?
DOUGLAS: Oh, I used to know this one. It's always coming up at pub quizzes.
MARTIN: Yes, all right.
DOUGLAS: Now then, is it 3 hours and 28 seconds or is that a weasel in the submarine?
MARTIN: You don't know?
DOUGLAS: I regret not, but I wouldn't hold on too much to hope for the answer being eight hours?
MARTIN: Oh, God! I'm going to have to kill--the--client's--cat.
DOUGLAS: It's looking that way.
MARTIN: I can't kill the clien's cat.
DOUGLAS: That's also true.
MARTIN: What else can I do?
DOUGLAS: I suppose you could always..
MARTIN: I can't! I can't divert. She'll hunt me down. She'll actually hunt me down with knives?
DOUGLAS: Whereas if we carry on and freeze the client's cat to death.
MARTIN: Also knives. Big knives. If we, if we did carry on and the cat didn’t make it, do you think they’d be able to tell how it died?
DOUGLAS: Again I fear you flatter my knowledge of cat pathology.
MARTIN: Well, I don't see how they could. I mean, it's not as if it's gonna freeze into a block of ice, is it?
DOUGLAS: Not unless it's a cartoon cat. No.
MARTIN: I mean, it's not as if the cat CSI is going to descend on us.
DOUGLAS: I wouldn't have thought so. They're so busy these days.
MARTIN: I mean, I know it's a bit rotten, for the cat, but ten thousand pounds to divert is quite a lot, isn't it?
DOUGLAS: A fair bet, and Carolyn?
MARTIN: And knives. Yes, so, what do you think? Is that reasonable? That's reasonable, isn't it? Isn't it?
DOUGLAS: It's a command decision, Sir. All yours.
(Arthur opens the door and enters.)
ARTHUR: Right, I found some biscuits and some strepsils. Who wants what?
DOUGLAS: I think we can probably risk both having the biscuits.
ARTHUR: Skipper, are you all right?
ARTHUR: Are you sure? You are sort of gray colour. And you didn't even try the surprising rice.
MARTIN: I'm fine.
ARTHUR: No, really. Is there something..
DOUGLAS: Arthur, you were asking why the air over the wind has to keep up with the air underneath..
ARTHUR: Oh, yes, do you know?
DOUGLAS: Indeed, I do. Attend. The air is not passing over the wing. The wing is passing through the air. So the curved upper side stretches the air forced over it apart, reducing pressure, producing lift. The lift pushes up. The weight pushes down. So as long as the lift is more than the weight, up we go and that, my friend, is how an aeroplane flies.
ARTHUR: Got it! Right. Yes. Cracking. I completely get it now.
DOUGLAS: Good. You see, is that quite easy to grasp when it's explained properly by someone who understands..
ARTHUR: So that's why planes can't fly upside and down?
DOUGLAS: Uh..Yes, they can.
ARTHUR: Can they?
DOUGLAS: Well, of course they can. Haven't you seen the Red Arrows?
ARTHUR: But doesn't that mean the curved side of the wing is on the bottom? So the lift is pushing down as well as the weight. How does that work?
MARTIN: Yes, Douglas. How does that work?
DOUGLAS: Well, Arthur, there's a very simple explanation. But just to finish what we were saying, Martin, I think it's entirely up to you whether you let the cat in the hold freezed to death.
DOUGLAS: No one wants to hear the explanation. What a shame!
ARTHUR: Why?! Why would you do that?
MARTIN: I'm not doing it on purpose, Arthur!
ARTHUR: Then why are you doing it at all?
MARTIN: Seems the cargo hold heating may not have been turned on.
DOUGLAS: Masterly use of the passive voice.
ARTHUR: But, Skipper, it's really cold as high up as this.
MARTIN: Yes, thank you, Professor Science.
ARTHUR: So we should turn the heating on.
MARTIN: Yes, okay, good idea. You could do it. Just climb out over the wing and wrench open the hold door, swing yourself in and adjust the thermostat.
ARTHUR: Okay, how will I..
MARTIN: Not really!
ARTHUR: Oh, oh, I've got an idea. We could divert. If we landed now, the cat might be okay.
DOUGLAS: Well done, Arthur! Why didn't we think of that, Martin?
MARTIN: Arthur, I know he's a lovely cat. But it, it costs thousands and thousands of pounds to divert. You remember your mother and her thoughts about that?
ARTHUR: Right. Yes. But, you know, i's just a sweet little pussy cat..
MARTIN: It's not. I's a crazy psycho-cat. Look at yourself, Arthur. You have open wounds.
ARTHUR: Yeah, I, I suppose so. But, it's going to get really cold,
MARTIN: (Sighs) Uh..
ARTHUR: And, you know..Die.
MARTIN: So, you want me to divert? Is that it? You want me to ditch in Nowheresville Normandy? You want me to tell Carolyn I do have the absolute cast iron excuse she demanded for diverting and it goes Miaow.
ARTHUR: Yes, please.
MARTIN: All right, fine. Fine! All right. It's only a job. There'll be other jobs. (flips on the intercom) France control, this is Golf-Tango-India. Request immediate diversion to nearest airfield.
France Control: Roger, Golf-Tango-India. Do you have an emergency?
MARTIN: Well, uh..(sighs) We've got..
DOUGLAS: One moment, please, Tower.
MARTIN: What is it, Douglas?
DOUGLAS: Captain..(lights a match) I do believe I can smell smoke in the flight deck. Can you smell smoke in the flight deck, Captain?
MARTIN: Yes..Yes, I can, Douglas. Could you request an immediate diversion, please?
DOUGLAS: Certainly, Sir.